Robbery

I have been mulling over in my mind about whether to write about what happened to me yesterday morning. I have decided that it would be helpful to me and maybe to you. This is about a robbery, I am fine and if you think it might upset you too much please stop reading now.On the way to my yoga class I was reflecting on how much more accepting and less judgemental I am becoming. I said to myself,"I am really starting to get it that we are all one" I arrived at the studio and set it up for my class. It starts at 10:30 and noone came.I was disappointed because I love to teach yoga.It had happened once before and I felt like I was handling it without taking it as personally as I had the last time.I wasn't making up a story about what a bad teacher I was. Instead I was brainstorming about how to let more people with flexible schedules know about my class. I decided to stay in the studio and meditate for half an hour. At about 10:40 I heard someone in the entry room. I got up and a man said he wanted information on beginning yoga classes. I asked him what he wanted to know and he handed me a note which said that this was a robbery to remain calm and quiet.Fear rose up in me. I didn't read the rest and asked him if he was kidding. He reached for his pocket, said he had a gun and told me to give him all of the money. I asked him why he was doing this. He said he was sorry and that he needed to buy medication. By now I was very scared. I gave him the money and he left. I was very shaken and went down to the insurance office on the first floor to see if they had seen him and they called 911 and were very supportive. The police came and I filed a report.
I was aware of how little I had noticed about him and how difficult it was to give a clear description. All sorts of stuff was running through my mind. I blamed myself but less than I thought I would. I felt good about how I had handled it even though I was terrified.I felt bad about the studio's loss. I was grateful that the monetary loss wasn't huge and that I wasn't hurt. I was very grateful that noone had come to my class so they were protected from witnessing a robbery in the middle of a yoga class. How awful would that be! I began to do healing work with myself as soon as the officer left and continued throughout the day and evening.The trauma lessened gradually and I was so grateful that I have the tools I have. I had supportive conversations with Gary and with the owner of the studio and felt even better.
Today I did more healing work with my friend Wendy and let go of any residual self blame. It was freeing to see how I blame myself for everything and to clear the incident when I was three where it started. I had been very afraid and was shamed about my fear. I had learned to make myself wrong when I was really afraid. I can see how I didn't do anything wrong and that I handled the situation bravely.Tomorrow night I go to the studio for a class and a teachers' meeting. I feel some trepidation and I am willing to feel my fear and go anyway.I know I will feel supported by the other teachers and we will look at ways to make the sudio more protected. All of the healing work has moved me to a place where I have released feeling like a victum.I feel strong about continuing to integrate this experience.I have never been in an adversarial position with another human in such a dramatic way. I am contemplating and trying to grok it. Grok means to understand it fully. Somehow I will discover that it is not ironic that I was feeling like we are all one right before this happened. Anything can be used to grow or to become bitter. I choose to grow. What is before you that you could choose to grow from or become bitter about? What do you choose?