It's been several months since I last wrote. I want to thank a kind reader for e-mailing me and asking if I was OK since I hadn't written for a while. It was just the motivation I needed to write again. It was so nice to know that someone cared about reading this blog. It's easy to believe the story I make up that noone reads this so it doesn't matter if I write or not. How much do we tell ourselves that what we do doesn't matter when it clearly does? Is there something you are wanting to do, or for that matter not wanting to do, that you are making up a story that it doesn't matter?
I have noticed that when I most need to do the things that are nourishing to me is when I least want to do those very things. It makes sense that when I feel the least deserving of support and nourishment that it is the most difficult time to seek out that comfort and support. When I am moving too fast and filled with a sense of urgency, I make up the most creative stories about how I don't have time to meditate as long as I need to be clearheaded. I also rationalize that it is much more important to spend a lot of time on my computer reading e-mails than it is to contact friends or go to yoga classes. I also convince myself that there is no time to cook and that staying up late is fun. The problem is that when I am in this speeded up place my mind is filled with chatter. That chatter is about worrying about the past and the future. When my mind is filled with chatter empty space is threatening so I listen to the radio more and avoid stillness.
I recently heard an interview with a woman who has done extensive research on mindfulness. (There are definitely some good things about listening to the radio. However using it to fill up all the space in my head isn't one of them.) Mindfulness is awareness without judgement. Mindfulness is just being present and noticing what is with acceptance. In the interview the woman said there are primarily two states of mind, mindfulness and evaluation. When we are in evaluation we are judging ourselves and others. The good news is that being mindful of the judging mind without judging ourselves for judging brings us back to just noticing. Judgement can be a perfect path to mindfulness. Does this sound like it is easier said than done? I thought so, so I added another step. I have been imagining a virtual tatoo on my right forearm that says help. It is written in cursive and is quite large. When I notice I am caught in judgement I look down at my arm and ask for help. Help is the shortest prayer there is. I am asking for help from the universe. I am asking for help from angels, masters, teachers, God, goddesses, the mountains, light and any and all available resources. I am asking for help because if left to my own devices I will do what I have always done and judge myself and others relentlessly. I am asking for help to move beyond my ego to my essence where I know we are all one. I am asking to experience the acceptance and love that is underneath my judgement.When I ask for help I take a deep breath and go into my circle and pay attention to my inner process. I see whatever is in my experience as receiving that help. I ask for help in finding gratitude for receiving the help I asked for. Help is there. We just have to be willing to ask. The resources that are there to help us can't help if we don't ask. Would you be willing to see what happens? Ask for help and see what you notice. I asked for help in moving out of my state of urgency to be able to include the things that are nourishing in my life. I am grateful for the help that i received. This week I went to two yoga classes and now I am writing this blog. Thank you for being a vehicle for me to be kind to myself. Thank you for reading this blog.