Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Gary was supposed to come to my house in Denver every evening this week after the Denver Gem show. He has a booth there selling his rocks and cabs. Last night he came over and struggled with rush hour traffic. I was working for another hour and fifteen minutes after he arrived. He was very tired and worried about getting enough sleep with the noise at my house in my smaller bed. He is a mountain man who thrives on quiet. I also was concerned because I am used to having my house to myself after I am done working. I think I have been making our relationship and each of us wrong because we need so much space. I was imagining it meant we weren't really committed. That is part of my negative core belief that there is something wrong with me. We all have a negative core belief that is a story we made up and that we use our lives to prove true. The good news is that becoming aware of the core belief and bringing compassion to myself when I notice that the story feels true, is the vehicle to begin to unravel the story and see what is really true. My story is that there is something wrong with me. Right now I am playing out this story by judging myself for how unclearly and redundantly I am expressing myself. The crossroads is: support the story that that means there is something wrong with me and spin off into proving that to be true or recognize the story and celebrate that I have recognized it. I am learning that the remedy to the core belief isn't the opposite. Telling myself that there is nothing wrong with me is working on my personality with my personality. The antidote to my core belief is awareness and gratitude. If I can notice the core belief and bring kindness to myself for noticing, I feel grateful that I have pulled myself out of my brain rut. Feeling that gratitude gets me in touch with the wellspring of gratitude in my heart. That wellspring of gratitude is a feeling I call "Thank you God. I feel it in my third eye and see the colors of green and magenta. When I feel the thank you god feeling I experience my connection with god. That connection supercedes whather I am doing anything right or wrong or if there is something wrong with me or not. In that place of connection with God I know God to be everything that is and that I am part of that. From that place all of who I am and all there is, is included in what OK is. It is now possible when I notice I am stuck in my story to ask for help from god or the universe or all there is. I know if I am trying to analyze myself out of my stuff or bully myself out of my stuff I am trapped in my stuff. If I work on my personality with my personality I am screwed. When that seems like the only option I can ask for help and breathe and bring my own awareness to whatever I am feeling. I can imagine feeling gratitude for noticing what I am feeling underneath my story. I can treat myself with kindness for having exactly the experience I am experiencing. So back to me and Gary. Both of us were feeling less than expansive about him being in Denver all week. So, we ate dinner and then he drove back up to Boulder. I felt so grateful that we were able to tell each other our truth and be understanding. The benefit for me was that I got to go for a long moonlit walk and have a lovely nights' sleep. Also I had set aside every evening to be done working by around 6:00 and now I have all those evenings to myself. It was such a pleasure to have several hours to do what I wanted and needed to do tonight. I am grateful to be able to embrace what is and know that Gary and I have a great relationship partly because our optimal level of distance is very similar. He doesn't think I'm wierd because I want to have half the week apart. It works for him really well, too. I don't have to feel smothered or rejected and neither does he. Some say we have the best of both worlds. Today I think so too.
I am grateful for my life and for the time I have to work on myself and work on my relationship and have work that I love. My growing awareness of my connection with god and the possibility of asking for that connection in the midst of my stuff fills with with gratitude. Thank you god. Thanks to you for reading these blogs and having whatever experience you are having.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


My daughter Monnya trains almost daily by herself in her studio. She is incredibly strong. Her goal is to up her level of strength and flexibility so she can improve her circus performance. She keeps track of what she does every day and her progress. Monnya exhibits dedicated discipline. Part of her discipline is to give herself days when she can slack off or do less or nothing at all. This level of firm yet kind discipline has been inspirational to me.
About three months ago I decided I wanted to be more flexible and stronger. My intention was to support my body in the aging process. I love yoga classes and I decided since yoga is my passion this would be a good way to create my intention. I started to do three yoga classes a week- one where I am the teacher and two where I am the student. I wanted to be able to do the challenging yoga class with my teacher who is the owner of the studio without wondering whether I would die before it was over. Previously, I had tried her class once, decided it was too grueling for me and let go of attending.
I began to take two classes a week that were less challenging and to continue to practice daily on my own. In my home practice I stretched beyond my usual routine and added some poses that were challenging for me. In the classes I attended there were moments when I watched the clock, grunted through the poses and wondered whether my body could keep going. There were also moments when the joy of pushing myself and moving my energy filled me with spaciousness. I enjoyed creating the balance of sukka and shira, sanscrit for discipline and sweetness.
About a month ago I returned to my teacher's class and showed up for myself most of the time.
I did what I could, modified the poses that didn't work for my body and forgave myself for comparing myself to the other students. I also noticed judging myself as a teacher in comparison to Satya. As I kept returning weekly, it got easier to notice judgement as a distraction, be kind to myself and bring myself back to the present.
The class was today and I am very tired right now. I am going for a walk when I am done writing and it will be a short one. I want to breathe in the warmth of the summer night without pushing myself. Even though I am tired it is a good tired. I am also exhilarated that I do feel stronger and more flexible, which will continue to grow as I continue to practice. I have started to think of myself as strong. That is very healing. The strength I experience from accomplishing this intention has carried over to other parts of my life. I have been wanting to do an Art Therapy session with my friend Wendy and I went and did it this week. That freed up some energy which has allowed me to begin to doing artwork again, something I haven't done since I was single. Expressing myself as an artist is so good for my soul. I am also being kinder to myself and to Gary which has done wonders for our relationship.
I highly recommend the power of intention. Is there something that you have been intending to do that you are yearning to move into practice? It could be anything. A regular meditation practice, learning something new, connecting with people you love, reaching out to a new person, resting more, paying attention to your eating and or sleeping patterns, bringing loving awareness to your inner process, etc. Allow yourself the satisfaction. I applaud you.