This week my partner is out of town. It has been a pleasure to both miss him and enjoy myself. I realize how much I depend on him for companionship and support. I am grateful to have a partner who is someone I can talk to about anything. In addition, I am blessed to have a network of wonderful women friends. I know they are there holding me in love and I don't always stay as connected as I'd like to. In the past week I've created a project of contacting many of the women who have been important to me over the years. It has been so good to catch up and reconnect. Some of the people I contacted I haven't spoken to for many months. Some of them I see regularly. I don't worry about whether I am too much for these women. I feel space for my sensitivity and intensity and peaceful equanimity.
In my meditation this week this affirmation came through, " I love myself enough to be myself. My group of women friends has encouraged me with their acceptance to be courageous enough to be myself. All of these people are people I can clear things with. That means that when there is a conflict or hurt feelings or a misunderstanding we can talk about it and work it through and resolve it. All of these people have the experience of knowing that resolving conflict can deepen intimacy.
Recently, I waited a week to clear something I was upset with a friend about. During that week I tried to talk myself out of my upset, telling myself," It was nothing, She didn't mean anything by it, I am being too sensitive." At the end of a week I received a peace quote(www.livingcompassion.org) in my inbox that said something like the definition of a friend is someone with whom you resolve conflict. Because I don't believe in coincidence, I felt grateful for the encouraging reminder in my inbox that I needed to call my friend. When I told my friend that I was upset about her comment she heard me. She had the space for me to be upset and not get defensive. Even if she had gotten defensive I think we could have noticed both of our reactivity and resolved that, at least eventually. She told me where she was coming from with her comment and I heard her. I understood what her intention was.I also understood what got triggered in me and owned that. It was a simple powerful exchange and I could feel the space it created in my heart. The memory of the upset seemed to melt away in the space of being held in love.
It reminds me of the experience of seeing an upset little child sobbing in their mother's arms. The mom isn't trying to fix the kid or make her/his experience any different. After a surprisingly few minutes the child is complete and runs off to play. My intention is to be that kind of mom for myself and allow my friends to mother me in this way. I know that when someone I care about askes me to support them I feel closer to that person. Part of letting go of my identity of being perky is to allow my friends to know when I need help and to let them support me. I also appreciated the opportunity to hear what had been going on in my friends lives and support them.
One of my yoga teachers recently died. Her husband sent out an e-mail telling her community of students and friends, "spend time with your beloveds". His heartfelt message helped inspired me to begin to contact the people I love and tell them that I do.
Let yourself enjoy the yumminess of contacting the people you care about and telling them so. To me it felt like savoring the buttery taste of a ripe avocado.