Monday, November 4, 2013

Artist's soul

I'm not sure what I am writing about today. I have been practicing surrender this month so I am writing with the idea of surrendering control about what I am writing. Let's see what happens.  Thank you for being part of my experiments.
I have been walking in the leaves almost every day. The crunching sound is very satisfying and my little girl inside, Andie, loves it. This has been the most miraculous fall I can remember. The leaves have been so much more orange and red than usual. As I walk the trees take my breath away with their beauty. I have been asking for spiritual support much more often in the past few months. My grieving process has been very deep and challenging. There is something about having both of my parents be dead that makes life seem so much more impermanent and fragile. Hence, I have a heightened sense of wanting to honor each moment and be present for it. I have been asking for spiritual support in giving consistent attention to my little girl inside so she can feel safe and secure. I didn't get that growing up and I often felt scared and self-conscious. I tried very hard to please my mother. She was a very hot and cold person. She could be very loving and then for no reason she would be angry and slap me. I learned not to trust people and to be wary of relaxing around others. Now I want to continue learning to soothe my little girl inside so we both can relax.
Andie loves to do artwork. My grief therapist gave me a plain cardboard mask to decorate. The assignment was to decorate the outside to represent my adult self and the inside as my little girl inside. Last night I painted the mask. In the process of painting I realized two things: One is that Andie is a great source of inspiration and creativity. When I give her consistant attention I get to tap into her spontaneous passion for creating art. The other is that creating art is deeply satisfying for me and I want to do more of it! My dream is to reclaim my artist self. Andie really wants to help. So, back to the idea of surrendering control. If I relax and let go of planning out all of my time I can create more space for being. In that space I can ask for help in surrendering to my inner guidance about what I want to do with my time. In the moment I can be patient about waiting for what really feels right to bubble up. I can lie down on my back and breathe and wait. Being is a challenge. Sometimes even my spiritual practices feel compulsive to me because they can be so fueled by doing them to be OK. Lately I have been kinder and more flexible about being OK regardless of what I do. I think I am doing a good job at being more spacious with myself and showing up for myself with love regardless of whether I exercise, meditate,  pray and do yoga every day. Expressing myself artistically isn't going to become another practice I feel badly about myself for not doing. I want it to flow from kindness rather than conditionality.
It's funny how difficult doing even somethin I love to do can be if I feel like I need to do it to be OK.
That's the principle of negative magnetism of the universe operating. I made it up. It is that anything we thing we need to do or have to be OK alludes us. The universe knows we don't need to have or do anything to be OK.  When we love ourselves conditionally the universe steps in and lends a helping hand. I remember when I thought I had to be a certain weight to be OK. That certain weight was a lot less than I weighed. Only after I stopped hating my thighs and thinking somehow that would make them smaller and accepting and loving my body as it was, was I able to have the body I wanted.
So, I even have a room in my house I call my art room that has become my junk room. I have begun to declutter it gradually in a slow and steady way. If I think I can berate myself intop cleaning the room up I know it grinds me to a halt. All or nothing becomes the game. What works better is to do a little at a time to carve out the space for my artist's soul.
Part of expressing my artist's soul is to write this blog. Andie and I both appreciate all of you who read this blog and the support you have given me to express myself creatively. Thank you