I had a skinny mirror for thirty years. I looked much thinner in it. I returned from a vacation of eating unlimited food for a week and making pretty healthy choices in the midst of overeating at every meal. I tripped on my suitcase in my closet and fell into my skinny mirror. I wasn't hurt and my skinny mirror shattered all over my closet. Often in my life when I am moving too fast I'll break glass. I have to slow down long enough to clean up the mess. I spent 30 minutes picking up the shards of the mirror again not hurting myself by getting cut. I thought it meant I was ready to accept myself as I am and buy a new mirror. I thought it would help me to stop the overeating I have been doing for a few months and allow myself to write my blog and paint again. I didn't buy a new mirror. I didn't write my blog or paint and I kept overeating.
Today I returned home after being with my boyfriend. I felt sad to leave him and I walked into my house and went straight to my refrigerator and began eating. When I wrote my book, Eating my way to God, I learned that asking for spiritual support in feeling my feelings was really helpful. I practiced asking myself, Are you Hungry? If I got a yes, I would eat. If I got a no, I would ask myself, What do I need right now? I am grateful that its' wisdom came through me so I can use it right now. I'm not hungry even though I want to eat. What I really need is to feel my sadness. When I breathe into my sadness I can hold myself in love. I can feel my spiritual support holding me in love. It is OK to feel sad about leaving a lovely time. It is Ok to show up for myself about my sadness and not shame myself. The shame would say, you can't even be by yourself well now that you are in a relationship again. All you can do is eat.
My intention is to accept that I have been overeating and love and accept myself for my sadness. In addition to leaving my boyfriend, it is me that I am sad about leaving. I ask for help in showing up for myself now. I ask for spiritual support in holding myself in love no matter what. It's my intention to love myself even for the parts of me that I find unlovable.
- I breathe deeply into my sadness and bring kindness to myself. I hold my little girl inside in love about her fear that she is only lovable if someone else besides me is loving her? I can feel my chest open up and my breath deepen more. I say to little Andie, I am here for you. She feels comforted and we both begin to relax. I am so grateful to be able to write about my process as I learn to love myself even for the parts of me that I find unlovable. Mindfulness of Overeating is an opportunity to notice I need my own attention. My relationship with food has been a spiritual path leading me to trust myself and my inner process in a deeper way. It is my intention to continue learning and growing and to open to continuing to create a kinder and more nurturing relationship with food.
What do you have to learn from your relationship with food? Would you like to do some writing about what it has brought into your life?