Monday, March 3, 2008
It feels very good to be writing again. I have grown to rely on the satisfaction I feel from creatively expressing myself with this blog. I hope you are benefitting from reading it as much as I am from writing it. My trip to visit my mother was about letting go. Probably the nicest part of the trip was sitting in a gazebo together in the courtyard outside of the Alzheimer's unit. We sat mostly in silence, just hanging out. She is very much in the present. Without memory there is nothing but the present. Although I miss who my Mom was, I am letting go more and more and accepting who she is. My old pattern of holding my body tight in order to keep myself from being emotionally vulnerable with her melted away into relaxation. Her critical edge is gone. I could let of protecting myself. Sometimes we would look into each others eyes and I really felt loved and loving. We were wordlessly acknowledging each other by looking into each other's souls. I guess a big benefit of letting go is it makes it easier to accept what is. It's so easy to hold on to my pictures of how I want things to be and to let go of my life as it is. It works much better to let go of my pictures of how I want things to be and to embrace my life as it is. I like to say that it's time to put something in my "Dead Picture book". I want to put my old relationship with my mother in my Dead Picture book. I will put all the ways I was afraid of her and all the ways I loved interacting with her. I will let go completely of the part of me that always wanted her approval and always felt that I was doing it wrong in her eyes. I will allow myself to take responsibility for internalizing this sense of doing it wrong and continue with my healing journey of self-acceptance. I will let go of the fun we had being silly and playful and her willingness to have talks about feelings. I will let this old pictue go and continue opening to my mother as she is and to myself as I am. Goodbye, Mom. Hello, Mom. Do you have anything you'd like to put in your Dead picture book? What are you ready to let go of that would allow you to embrace your life as it is more fully?