Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Today I got a massage. Gary's mother gave me a check for a holiday present. When I called to thank her I told her that I had wanted to get a massage for a long time and that I would use her check to get one. That was in December. I realized how hard it is for me to get a massage. I'll spend money on psychological growth. I'll take the time to get body work if I have an injury or am in pain. Getting a massage to relax or just to nurture myself is a challenge. The last time I got a massage the woman had donated it to an auction for a charity. Somehow that felt O.K. to buy. The person who gave me my massage today was Barry Drexler (www.healingwaymassage.com) who I got a massage from twenty years ago when he first started his practice. One of my friends who has worked with him regularly over the years gave me his number. Practicing for twenty years has made him very skilled at melting the tension out of my body. I appreciate that he didn't talk much and I was able to be quiet, bring myself my own attention and receive. Now I am aware of how difficult it is to take care of myself in certain ways. If it is for growth or healing-piece of cake. If it for pleasure or fun-not so easy. What if it is O.K. to do something that has no redeeming social value just because it might feel good? I also went shopping for shoes today. I don't really need shoes. I just want new shoes. I am tired of wearing tennis shoes. I spent an hour and didn't find any. It was fun, anyway. I am thinking of all of the things I don't let myself do because I would feel too guilty. Maybe if I let myself expand my repertoire of things I get to do, it will be easier to let go of overeating and picking my nails. This is a good month to experiment, since it is my birthday month. During March I am aware of doing nice things for myself all month. One of my goals is to eventually celebrate my birthday all year, by treating myself with loving kindness. How about adding in some fun and pleasure? What a concept. I notice I have been struggling with doing my disciplines in the last few weeks. I call them deep fun and I love to do them. However, walking and practicing meditation and yoga hardly qualify as most people's definition of fun or pleasure. Maybe if I let myself get another massage or watch a little mindless T.V. or hang out and do nothing, it would be easier to sit on my cushion. What do you do that is fun? When was the last time you did it? When could be the next time?

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