Thursday, March 13, 2008


I finally scheduled my surgery today. It is such a relief. I learned so much about how challenging it is for me to be out of control of what's happening. Although it is over a month away at least I know. Gary, my boyfriend, will be going with me to Tampa, Florida. It is a stretch for me to lean on him in this way. I have been so fiercely independant.It is more about letting go of the illusion of control. He made the plane reservations and did a great job. I really appreciate being held in this way. It means a lot to me that he wants to go with me. He is so willing to be there for me.I have resisted this relationship off and on for almost three years.
Deep inside I knew that despite all my fears and doubts it would be a major mistake to leave. I feel a deep spiritual connectiion with Gary and this is the most important thing to me. As I step back and accept him for who he is, he is taking responsibility for many things I have had fears and doubts about. One of those things was self care. This week he has done a better job of taking care of himself than I have of myself.It feels great to feel inspired by him.
I have had a long time deep belief that I can't do what I want to do and be in a relationship. With many of my past partners I started feeling trapped about not doing what I wanted to do and I eventually left. This time I am seeing that this belief is my own responsibility. Gary doesn't keep me from doing what I want to do, I do. Last weekend I went to a yoga class.Usually I fit my yoga classes into the time we're not together because we only see each other on the weekend. It was great and he supported me in going and was clear that he didn't want to go. He was fine hanging out at my house and doing what he wanted to do for a few hours.
I appreciate learning to listen to myself while being in a relationship. It works for me to see each other on weekends and to have the week to myself. Being present with what is, is very healing. I am grateful to be in a relationship where
we are commited to each others growth, even when it is uncomfortable. That is a real blessing. In your relationships, how are you blessed?

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