Thursday, October 30, 2008

truth

The days when I write seem to vary. Sometimes I write Monday Wednesday and Friday and sometimes Sunday Tuesday and Thursday. I know that consistency has never been my strong suit. I bet you don't care what days I write this. You probably read it when you do. So, what I can say is that I usually write three times a week, except when I don't. Thanks. It always feels so good to speak my truth and stop pretending that I don't need to. When I speak my truth something relaxes in me. Pretending keeps me from being present, whatever I am pretending about. Often when I am pretending it is because I think that what I am feeling about something isn't OK. Then I project that on to other people and think that they will be judging me as I am. Often this is not the case. Other people rarely judge me in the same way I judge myself. If I am close enough to be safe with the person I think is judging me and do a reality check with them like this," I'm making up a story that you are judging that I am a flake because I keep changing when I am writing on this blog. Is that true?" Often the person I am projecting to be judging me, isn't thinking about me at all. Letting go of pretending and being willing to be present sometimes scares me. I feel afraid of being out of control. Somehow I have it wired together that if I keep myself tense and in control I will be safer. In reality when I am pretending not to be feeling what I am feeling, I am anxious and drained. I am very blessed that most of the people in my life are people I can be truthful with if I am willing to find a skillful way to express myself. I am very grateful. Telling the truth allows me to breathe deeper and relax. It takes so much less effort to be who I am than who I am not. It is more difficult when my truth involves being mad or sad or scared or some derivitive of that. Having the courage to speak the truth has created a deeper connection enough times that I trust it more.
Sometimes it's fun to experiment and tell the truth to a new person. It doesn't have to be a monumental truth. Only the kind of thing that I would think, "I can't say that!" Like the other day I talked about politics with my dentist. I didn't get the outcome I thought I wanted and I felt good about speaking my truth. It was an opportunity to open to someone else's different truth. If I hide my truth I don't get to widen my viewpoint to different truths or feel validated for my own. In this election I have been able to talk about politics more openly than before. If I can validate my truth from the inside rather than looking for external validation, it is safer to tell my truth and easier to discern who is an appropriate recipient. It seems important to begin to recognize pretending. In my case, my mouth feels pursed, my breathing is shallow, I feel rushed and tense. Sometimes it is also important not to tell the truth and to keep pretending. A conscious choice supports my growth the most. What do you pretend about and when? Would you be willing to notice? Who do you feel safe telling the truth to? Would you be willing to acknowledge yourself and them?



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