Sleeping

I can't stop eating. When I am tired and don't feel like I have time to rest I eat when i'm not hungry. I have been doing tasks and intermittently going to the refrigerator and stuffing mouthfuls of nuts in my mouth. I am going to write this blog now and not get up and eat until I am done. When I most need to rest is when I avoid it the most. I feel impatient and urgent about what I am chosing to do and a lack of compassion for myself. When I am overtired my ego gets very loud. It's telling me that it's my fault that I tried to sleep with Gary on a work night because he was leaving on a trip this morning. We have almost always had trouble sleeping together and it's a tribute to our commitment that we keep trying. Once again I looked the word commitment up in the dictionary. (Howmany hundreds of times have I looked up that word because I can't remember how to spell it ? That doesn't feel like a coincidence that I can't even remember how to spell commitment. Thank you for that- dear ego)Most of the time we just sleep in separate beds. When I don't get a good night's sleep it isn't pretty. I am irritable and cranky and critical of myself and him. My ego goes to town about us not being able to sleep together. It tells me that it isn't normal and if I really wanted to be with Gary I would be able to sleep with him. Sometimes I know it's OK and just part of our relationship. Other times it brings up my visions of couples with two twin beds or separate bedrooms who haven't been close to each other in decades. When I was growing up, "They don't even sleep together "was doomsday for a couple. Things have changed. Houses are even being built with two master bedrooms because couples value their own space more. We are both used to sleeping alone. When I honor how hard it is for me and don't make myself wrong about sleeping separately I don't have days like today where I am dragging and sleep deprived. I am blessed because thirty years of counseling has enabled me to put aside my own stuff and be completely present with the person I'm working with. Probably if I could just be tired and not blame myself and Gary things would be a lot easier. I am reaching down into my heart to the part of me that loves me no matter what and embracing my anger and blame. As I breathe into the blame my heart softens. So, I made a mistake and stuck with it all night. It's only because I wanted it to work out. It doesn't mean that I am a stupid fool or that my relationship with Gary is a complete mismatch. It only means that if I have to work the next day that isn't a good time to see if we can sleep together without a backup plan. If I blow up my extra bed and we communicate about who goes in it beforehand that is a viable plan B. Acknowledging what is and preparing for it is a kinder mode. I feel more gentle with myself about all of this. It can now be included in what is OK. The more I can include in what is OK, the more OK I feel. Writing this blog is very theraputic. I hope it is as helpful to you as it is to me. I don't feel a need to go stuff my face with food anymore. That is a relief. I think i will take some time to rest now.
Is there something that you are holding your heart hard toward yourself about? Would you be willing to hold yourself in love and breathe into your feelings about it? I will write again Monday.