honoring feelings

Today was such a gorgeous day. When I was out for a walk with my friend Wendy I took the time to notice the beautiful trees and flowers. I don't remember fall being this lovely before. I think at least part of it is I am noticing more. More of my attention is available to notice what is going on around me. It is easier to be present than it used to be. That feels very good.
I worked with Wendy today on my pattern of ignoring my feelings. I know how I feel about something and then I try to convince myself that I feel differently. It is a pervasive pattern that crops up all over my life. Today I went shopping to find a pair of jeans. I found a pair I really liked and when I sat down in them they were tight. I knew they didn't feel comfortable and that after they were washed they would be even less comfortable. I tried to convince myself to buy them anyway telling myself that I was too picky because I don't like to wear tight pants and that they would be fine.I started to think that maybe I would lose some weight and I quickly moved back to my center. I don't buy clothes with losing weight in mind anymore. If it doesn't fit me now, I don't buy it. I tried them on many times and then left the dressing room with them. On my way to the check-out line I heard a screaming voice telling me to put them back. I was confused because yesterday I decided if my internal voice was mean it wasn't in my best interest. Today however, I decided to do an experiment. I decided to listen to the voice because maybe it was speaking to me insistently because I was refusing to listen.I put the pants on hold and left the store. Then I went and did another errand and hung out with how it felt to let go of the pants. At first I felt disappointed and deprived.Soon
I began to feel relieved.I really like to breathe comfortably when I have clothes on. Breathing is always good. I remembered how many times I had gone against the screaming voice and ended up returning things. I remember one winter when my daughter was younger and I wanted to buy black boots. I put Monnya through many stores and many returns. I felt sad about doing that and glad I am becoming more aware of this pattern now.It is a symptom of not being willing to listen to myself and trust in my truth.
I am grateful to be unraveling this pattern.I want to learn discernment about what feel right to me beyond right and wrong. I want to practice knowing the difference between intuition and ego. It is a complex process process and oh so interesting. There are many times I do listen to myself and many times I don't.I want to start to notice more how it feels when I honor my feelings and how it feels when I ignore them. I want to encourage you to do the same.
Someone I worked with always said, "Have a day." She said she could always wish someone to have a day without saying how their day should be and know they would. Have a weekend. I will write again on Monday.