Choices

Gary has been at a folk music festival all weekend and I have had this delicious weekend all to myself. It has been so much fun to be home and do whatever I want. I have spent time reading and catching up with friends. I have had plenty of time to do yoga and meditate and exercise. I am so happy when I get to do all of the things I love to do. I also attended a yoga class, went to an afternoon PSYCH-K practice session and finished writing the copy for my new web site. Now I am writing in here. I feel full and nourished. The question is, how to be in a relationship and have this relaxed feeling of well-being with another person? That other person is different than me and likes to do very different things. I want to learn how to do more of what feeds my soul when I am with him. He isn't stopping me. We only see each other on the weekends. When I do the things we like to do together there seems to be a scarcity of time left to do my own things if he doesn't want to share in them. I think I have to be more willing to do them anyway. Otherwise I am resentful and not much fun to be with. With practice we have finally learned to hike or walk together. I like to go fast to get exercise and he likes to go slower and stop to look at things. In the beginning after the initial stage of pretending we liked the same things, we would try to walk at the same pace and I would be impatient and pushy and he would feel rushed and grumbly.Now I go ahead and head back to check in with him after a while and then when I have expended enough energy we walk together. The next step is to go for a walk or a hike even when he doesn't want to.
I am getting better at doing my yoga practice in the mornings. We begin meditation together and I continue as he does something else. As I write this I am feeling blessed to have a partner who supports me in doing what I want to do and is so much at home doing things by himself. We share a lot of common interests and we don't. I think that is good. I used to think I wanted a male me.
I have realized that would be way too intense. There would be noone to provide the calm steadiness and the grounding in the material world that Gary brings to our relationship. We have recently started studying with a spiritual teacher together. It has always been my dream to share my spiritual path with my partner.
He does it his way, which is different than mine. When I let myself be open to it, I can learn from his way.
Writing this blog always helps me get clearer about whatever I am writing about. I feel clearer about treasuring the time I spent alone this weekend and knowing that the weekends I spend with Gary will be different. There needs to be a balance between doing only what I want to do and doing only what he wants to do. Peace is somewhere between resentment and guilt. Maybe the sense of well-being comes from seeing my choices as good enough whatever they are. If I am always judging myself or him because I think I should've done something different, it keeps me from being present. Maybe being present with what is and noticing what's next would be a better choice? Do you notice challenges with judging your choices? Would you be willing to cut yourself a little slack? What would cutting yourself slack look like in terms of this past weekend?