Monday, June 9, 2008

Update

Here's an update on the progress of my mindfulness project with cuticle picking.I feel good about the process of noticing when I want to pick my fingers and being compassionate with myself about it. I have even begun to kiss my own hand to celebrate being mindful and add to my compassion.The desire to pick comes up dozens of times a day.Sometimes I notice it when I have begun to rub my fingers together.Usually when I notice and be kind to myself about it, I don't need to pick. Sometimes I go underneath the desire to the anxious feelings beneath. I am learning to soothe myself about my fear which is often about being afraid of doing whatever I am doing wrong. Breathing into that fear often allows it to release and to be replaced by a sense of confidence.Just now I was afraid that what I was writing wasn't clear and I began to touch my fingers. I noticed that and talked to myself about my fear. I was able to detour mid-pick. That deserves a kiss.
Yesterday was a day filled with too many people and not enough alone time. I was in a social situation with people chatting. I had to strain to hear them and when I did what they were saying was mostly not interesting to me. I felt drained and anxious and unsuccessfully tried to signal to Gary in the midst of the conversation that I wanted to leave. There is that trying thing again. Gary and I need a prearranged signal that either one of us can use that says," I want to leave as soon as possible." Then I don't have to try and signal him I can signal him.
I felt frustrated and I bypassed my mindfulness of wanting to pick and picked my fingers. I was surprised and then chose to pick for a while. I gave myself permission to alleviate some tension in that way. However today I noticed the behavior had returned. I decided to be compassionate with myself and to recommit to noticing when I wanted to pick rather than continuing to knee- jerk to picking.It seems human to return to a habitual behavior in a time of stress. It felt good to be accepting rather than castigating about that. Rechoosing my intention made me feel stronger. I didn't like picking my fingers as much as I did before. I discovered that not picking my fingers really alleviates stress more and picking builds more anxiety. Mindfulness allows me to be kind to myself and experience the source of the anxiety so it can release. Picking my fingers takes me one step further from the anxiety and feeds the pain body.(The pain body is what Eckhart Tolle calls the accumulation of suppressed pain that each person holds inside of them)It reinforces that my feelings are scary and that it isn't safe to feel them.Letting go of picking my fingers lets me know that I have the power to be loving and show up for myself even when I am anxious.It gives me the opportunity to be more fully present with whatever is happening.That gives me confidence and feels good. I learned this by letting myself pick my fingers.This isn't a deprivation diet it is an awareness practice.It seems to me that kindness can really heal. Did you decide it would be useful to you to chose a habitual behavior that you would be willing to be mindful about? If so what did you chose and how is it going?

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