Envy

This post is green because it is about being green with envy. My friend Lynne has become a rock star. She lives in Austin Texas and has been a close friend for twenty years. After her last relationship ended she realized that while she was in it she had lost herself and had stopped doing all the things that nurtured her. She had especially stopped nourishing her creativity. Many years ago she had created a musical group and became the lead singer. She called herself and the band Catharsis. She wore a slinky red devil costume and was her outrageous self. In the last two months she has begun to resurrect Catharsis in a present day version and has assembled a group of musicians to support her. She sent me some pictures of her first gig in which she has a big old black wig and a sexy costume and is singing passionately into a mike. Well, all right I am exaggerating. She isn't exactly a rock star yet.
She is, however, the lead singer in a band she created that is getting gigs. That is a major accomplishment. You see I have had a long time fantasy of being a singer. Envy gets bad press. When I noticed how envious I felt, I was ashamed. I noticed that supressing envy was also supressing the excitement I felt for Lynne and her success. I decided to breathe into the envy fully and allow it some air time. The shame melted away and helped me to see that I was using denial of my envy to deny my own accomplishments. Allowing myself to feel my envy let me see that I was using Lynne to ignore my own singing. I sing mostly with myself and with my chanting group Spiritsong. We meet once a month and do multicultural sacred chants and jump around and have a hoot. I am grateful to Lynne for helping me to see that I am already a singer because I sing every day. I sing in Laughter Yoga and chant in hatha yoga and teach chants to the people I work with sometimes. I chant before I meditate and in my car and sometimes with groups. It was very healing to let Lynne know how excited I am for her and how much I support her in putting herself out there as a singer and to cop to my envy. Telling her about it honestly and directly and from my heart, allowed her to hear me. We both felt closer. She was flattered and felt supported even by my envy. After getting that out and being heard I could let her know what an inspiration she has been to me over the years in taking risks and living outrageously. My version is different than hers and it still counts. Is there someone you envy? Could being conscious of your envy be a vehicle to help you to acknowledge your own gifts?