retreat

I have just returned from my trip. I feel refreshed and renewed. I hightly recommend getting away by yourself. After 36 hours of alone time I was a new women. I camped by a stream and it didn't rain.At home it is a challenge for me to give myself time to read fiction because I get so lost in it I don't want to do anything else. Gary lent me a book of short stories that was quirky and fascinating. I so enjoyed hanging out in the tent reading my book. It felt good to not get obsessive and to read as much as I wanted to. Short stories are easier than novels because I can put them down and go do other things. I had a hike and a soak and tasty meals. The night was very cool and I used up lots of sleep lying there psyching myself up to get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom. In the morning I slept in.I loved doing what I wanted to when I wanted to without any shoulds.I realized how much I enjoy my own company and how relaxing and peaceful it was to be in nature. With my hearing aids in I could hear so many different birds that it felt like an aviary convention had been scheduled to meet over my tent. I am grateful that these little machines bring such an auditory vibrancy to being in nature.
When Gary returned I was really ready to be with him.We saw a cat hanging out with three deer right next to the tent.They were doing a dance with each other as they scoped each other out. Watching them I had such a strong feeling of connection with those four beings.I worked hard to bring myself back to the present from my internal critical tirades with Gary. At least I rarely puke that part of my process on him. He gave me some valuable feedback about generalizing when I am giving him feedback. He asked that when I have something to clear with him that I start with an appreciation and then ask for what I want without saying always or never. If you remember, Thict Naht Hahn, the vietamese buddhist monk, calls it Flower watering. He says to appreciate the person first in a genuine and heartfelt way before bringing up a conflict. Gary calls it sharing something with him in a way that he can actually hear it without feeling hammered.The skillful way would be," I appreciate how much you are working on hearing my feelings and when I said I felt scared to camp by myself what I wanted was to be heard and not given solutions." The unskillful way would be more like what I did. "Whenever I share my feelings with you and make myself emotionally vulerable, you always try to fix me and don't hear what I am saying. From now on I'm not going to share my feelings with you." Flower watering does wonders in allowing the other person to feel held in love in the midst of a conflict. Forgiveness is in order because sometimes both people are triggered at the same time and neither is speaking mindfully. Then it is important to do some repair work and cop to the unskillful words and move back to the intention of using all that transpires to get closer together. Gary and I work well together and we are both getting more willing to own our defensiveness sooner and sooner. I appreciate that he stands up to me about my stuff and that he is almost always so clear that we are meant to be together even when I am wavering. On our first date we shared our committment to using a relationship to grow spiritually.
Saturday was our third anniversary of meeting. Although extremely challenging, I have grown so much in the last three years in terms of being able to be myself in a relationship. I have much to learn and I think I have picked a good person to learn with. I am going to say goodnight now. I can tell by how many typos I'm correcting that it is time to go to sleep. Could there be a personal retreat in your near future?