Trying

I am trying to write a blog about trying. That is very trying. Notice an object next to your computer and try to pick it up. You either pick it up or you don't pick it up.You can't try to pick it up. What does trying to do something mean? It means that I don't believe I can do it. The energy of, I am trying to write a blog about trying and I am writing a blog about trying are different. I have been trying to stop picking my cuticles and trying to stop reading and eating at the same time for many years. I can tell that I am trying because I am still doing both. What shifts something from trying to doing? What happens inside me when my energy is behind my intention?What makes me ready to do something or to stop doing something? When I am trying to do something it is an acknowledgement that my energy isn't fully behind it. If I tell the truth, I'm not ready to stop picking my cuticles or to stop eating and reading at the same time. Even though I know that both behaviors would be healthy to stop, I'm not ready to. I can tell because I haven't. When I am ready to do something or to stop doing something I can tell because I do. It would be more accurate to say that there is a thinking stage and a doing stage. The thinking stage comes before the doing stage. Sometimes the thinking stage can last years. Some people have a shorter thinking before doing stage than others. Most people have longer or shorter thinking before doing stages depending on what they are thinking about doing. I have been picking my cuticles since I was a small child. My whole family picked their cuticles. In some family pictures we are all doing it. When I am anxious that's what I do. Right now I am pausing from writing to pick. What is it that makes us ready to change a behavior and do what it takes? It seems to me that I have to be willing to be both mindful and compassionate with myself. I have to notice when I am picking and be kind to myself about it. I have to want to stop and be ready to stop. What would it be like to feel the anxiety that comes up before I start to pick my nails and to say to myself, "I can understand that you feel that way. I care about your suffering. May you be free from suffering? Then I could breathe deeply and go down into my body and feel the sensation that goes with wanting to pick my fingers. As I do that I am aware of tightness in my chest and the words, I can't. Picking is what I do when I am afraid I can't do something or I can't do it right. It also happens when I don't know what to do with myself or I am afraid that how I am doing something is wrong. It is all about fear. I am ready to be with myself about my fear and to soothe myself. If I say to myself I am here for you with your fear, it is comforting. I am ready to pay attention to wanting to pick my nails and to be mindful and compassionate with myself. That feels different than saying I am trying to stop picking my nails. I am no longer trying to write a blog about trying. I am writing a blog about trying. Now I am done. What are you trying to do? What is more true about what you are ready for?