Thursday, June 26, 2008

Adventure

I have been feeling very sad today.I'm not sure why. As I sat in meditation this morning and brought my attention to my sadness, I noticed how tight my heart was.I like knowing what's going on. As I breathe, I notice the tightness eases up but no answer comes. I have the feeling it is something about going to see my mother and knowing she has moved into a different stage of Alzheimer's disease. When I was growing up she could be very loving and generous and then something would switch and she could be mean and critical and sometimes slap me in the face. It was hard to relax because I didn't know which Mom I would get. Though I have done lots of work on this and it is way easier for me to relax,it is still challenging. For the past five years Mom has been very sweet and loving though she wasn't able to remember much. When I speak to her on the phone she is still that way and my sister tells me she has been angry and agitated and has hit an attendant at the Alzheimer's facility. I am afraid of which Mom I will get. I know the dance is all different now because I am an adult and I have reasonably good skills with staying centered in the midst of whatever. It all depends on what the "whatever" is though.I know that now I have a lot of options I didn't have as a kid in terms of how I can react. I am good at getting support and good at removing myself if I need to.
I feel guilty that my sister has my mother in the same city now and has to take care of everything and that I see my Mom every few months.It has always been easier for me to be closer to my Mom and for my sister to be closer to my Dad.I think it is healing for my sister and my mother to have so much contact.I appreciate all my sister does and I try to be supportive to her in the best way I can. One thing I can do is be there and give Cynde somewhat of a break for the weekend. As I write this I realize my sadness has lifted. The heaviness in my heart has eased up.It helped that Gary came over here on his way to a concert and listened to me. It is a treat to spend a few spontaneous hours together. Because of the long distance between us it is rare.Usually we don't see each other during the week and then we spend most of the weekend together. Our arrangement has its upsides and downsides. Now I am feeling more of a sense of openness and curiousity about my trip. My mother will be who she is and my sister will be who she is and I will be who I am. Who knows what will happen? I only know that what will happen will happen.That actually sounds like an adventure. Is there an adventure you'd like to have this weekend? Could you be with yourself about what might be in the way and make a plan and see what happens? I probably won't write until Monday. I'll talk to you then.

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