meditation: soother and cleanser

My computer has been testy and unresponsive for the past few days and since I am mostly computer illiterate I called for help today. I am uneasy now because even it is exhibiting similar behavior. I am trusting that I will either get to finish writing this blog or I won't. It's hard to relax and not let my sense of urgency be in charge of writing this. When I am rushing I make more mistakes and my thought process is less creative as well as less skillful. I am taking a deep breathe. I didn't meditate today. I have the kind of high energy prone to anxiety personality that needs the thorough daily soothing and cleansing that meditation provides. This morning I didn't get up soon enough before my 8:00 client came to do more than a little yoga and eat some breakfast.
Meditation allows me to sit still and is a way for me to stop my doing and just be. It is challenging when I have a lot to do to give some time to being and the rewards are great. My critical voice is quieter. It is easier for me to recognize that I am not my critical voice. I sit most mornings. I am reminded by the more frenetic quality of my energy, when I haven't made time for meditation. Sometimes before I sit it feels like a chore - something to be crossed off my to do list. Usually by the time I am finished I am grateful. I used to think that I could have good meditations and bad meditations. Good meditations would be when my thoughts would settle down and I could sustain a feeling of genuine peace. Bad meditations would be days that my mind was bouncing all over the place and I would bring myself back to my breath only to be drawn away into my thoughts again over and over until the time was up. After many years I realized that judging myself for my meditations was pretty amusing. It was a function of my ever-active ego's resourcefulness at finding opportunities for me to feel like I am doing something wrong. I decided that whether the meditation was satisfying in terms of my evaluative standards would be a moot point. That I meditated would be enough. Since then meditation has been more rewarding and even more fun. It's funny how removing the judge and letting the witness
come off of the bench and play makes for such a better game. I have been thinking about what is fun for me. To many, fun is about moving consciousness away from the present with alcohol, drugs and entertainment. I have my share of compulsive behaviors which sometimes feels like fun. I have been doing way too much window shopping on e-bay which is one reason my computer has been protesting. I want to find a balance between rigidity and indulgence so I can do what I need to do and enjoy my life more. Meditation is a way for me to more clearly know what feels ri9ght to me to do with my time. It slows me down enough to look at my choices in a more conscious way. It looks like I will be able to finish writing this blog. It certainly has been helpful to look at my sense of urgency and to recognize it and set it aside. I am going to meditate before I go to sleep. I know I'll sleep better. Where are you about meditation? Could it be useful to you to start or restart or reenergize a regular meditation practice?