brother

As I write this my brother is in surgery in Boulder. He is having a quadruple bypass. It was supposed to be scheduled for 11am today and I just found out they didn't start until 5 tonight. I am very glad I called the hospital because now I'm not expecting it to be over anytime soon. The surgery takes from 5-10 hours. My father had a quadruple bypass also. He was 66. My brother is 56. My heart hurts. Physically it hurts because of that primordial connection that blood creates. My heart also hurst for the men in my family and how hard it is for both of them to be in touch with their hearts I hope this will help my brother to open his heart. I looked at a picture of him as a toddler today. He had so much light in his face. I know that little boy is still inside of him. My brother has been smoking marijuana daily since he was about 13. I have struggled with our relationship because he has been so self-centered. He talks compulsively and never say, "How are you?" He has pushed away most of the people who care about him. I had been communicating with him mostly through short e-mails. It was important to me to stay in some from of contact with him. When he called to say he was in the hospital with pneumonia I wanted to feel more than duty. I care about him and was holding a lot of resentment. Since that phone call I have been working with myself to open my heart so I can show up without resentment. I have talked to him on the phone regularly. When I can't listen anymore I get off the phone. Then he found out his heart was obstructed and he needed this surgery. I went to visit and we talked about how he pushes people away. I shared some of what I resented. He is starting to take some responsibility for all of his estranged relationships. He agreed to go to counseling when he gets out of the hospital.
When my Dad had this surgery it opened his heart. For six months he was emotionally available and vulnerable. It was joyous to be able to connect with him. I felt closer to him as I had always wanted to be. After about six months his heart began to shut down again. I remember feeling such a sense of loss. I am grateful that for six months my Dad let his emotions be known. Maybe my brother will have a heart-opening experience and turn his life around. I feel much more connected to him. This has been a good teaching about seeing past another's ego. I love my brother and I am glad to be in touch with that love.
I am learning to let go of my expectations and be present and show up. It seems important to know when to keep putting energy into a relationship and when it is time to back off and let go. Neither one is right or wrong. Have you had this dilema with someone in your life?
What has that been like for you? As long as we keep putting energy into our relationship with ourselves it is easier to be clear about what form of relationship to have with others.
Loving and accepting ourselves as we are means honoring that sometimes we need to set clear boundaries with others to honor and respect ourselves. If you feel like doing so, send my brother some energy for healing. His name is Ben. Thanks for listening.