Thursday, December 25, 2008

giving without resentment

When I went to see my brother on Tuesday they were transferring him out of ICU to a regular room. I helped pushed the cart with his things on it and he walked with a walker. He is recovering very well and will be going home on December 27th. When he first arrived in his room the respiratory therapist gave him a five minute treatment during which he couldn't talk. I told him he could just listen and I would talk. After all of my upset about him not listening to me when I had my opportunity I hardly knew what to say. I told him how much I liked being listened to and how much I would appreciate him pausing and asking me how I was doing in the usual stream of his talking.I shared some of what is going on in my life. When the inhaler tube was removed he talked awhile and then said he was interested in my life and didn't realize he didn't ever ask about me. I called him today and he did ask about me. I am excited because people can and do change. I am changing, too. My heart has been softening more and more and my anger and resentment have melted away. It's a beautiful lesson that it helps me to open my heart when I give what I can without resentment. Giving freely heals the giver.
Gary and I went to his ex-wife's house for Christmas. His daughter and her family and his son were there.I give the gift of pushing through my anxiety about this arrangement so all of them can spend Christmas together. I had a pleasant time. Growing up Jewish, Christmas has often been a challenge. I feel as if I am from Neptune and all of the stressing about presents is so uncomfortable. This year I only got presents for the two grandchildren.I created a treasure hunt for them to find their presents which was very fun and allowed me private time with each child. It feels good to be creating my own rituals instead of taking on what the culture dictates. Again I gave what felt good to me without resentment.
Giving what I can without resentment is an opportunity to see what feels good from the inside rather than believing the story I tell myself about what should feel good.
In this way I use giving to strengthen my trust in my intuition. Overgiving creates resentment. Undergiving or holding back hardhearedly creates guilt. Peace comes from experimenting to find the place where there is neither guilt nor resentment.Giving freely is unmistakenly peaceful.Each time I give I get to listen to myself and all of my various voices and make a choice.Of course it is all a balancing act and a chance to experiment. The important thing is to see it as a process of moving toward peace and cut myself some slack along the way. Where are you with giving? What does thinking about how you give bring up for you?
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