We

So the question is when to confront someone or something head on, directly and honestly and when to let things ride for a while? Most people seethe in silence and then eventually blow up. Both create headaches, upset stomachs and low self-esteem. Suppressed resentment over time is a strain on body mind and spirit. The inevitable blowup that results is hard to reconcile with our image of ourselves as good hearted, well intentioned people.
Let's say that clear direct communication is preferable to either. It might come in the form of: When you do X I feel X and what I want is X.
For instance, Gary often says "we" when speaking about his ex-wife. I have asked him many times to say "Lucy(not her real name.) and I." I feel hurt and Dr. Phil agrees with me citing it as a red flag for a person not complete with a past relationship. I have communicated my wishes to Gary in clear direct communication. "When you say we in talking about Lucy and you, I feel hurt and angry. What I want is for you to say Lucy and I instead of we." Now he mostly says Lucy and I . I've attempted to explain to him why I feel the way I do. To me it is making an assumption that he and she are still a couple. I feel excluded. I want to be his We. Even though he doesn't get it at all why I am upset, he is willing to honor my wishes. So, when he does say we I sometimes let it slide deciding that he is really making an effort most of the time. I guess I let it slide one too many times. On Saturday Gary and Lucy tentatively planned this family party for his adult daughter's birthday that day and then he ran it by me afterwards.
I felt angry and left out of the loop. I let him know that I felt excluded and disrespected. I asked him to run things by me about plans for the weekend before he plans things with Lucy. The party didn't end up happening. Gary's daughter wasn't in on the planning either. Gary and I were hiking later that day and when we got part way up the trail, he said, "This is where we took the kids up to." He was referring to the previous hike that he and his ex-wife had taken to the same spot with their grandchildren. I don't have a problem with his being friends with his ex-wife and I'm glad they did a hike with their grandchildren. That's how I got to go on this beautiful hike because Lucy told Gary about it. I like her . It's this We thing that really upsets me. I guess I had let things slide for too long and feeling left out of the party planning compounded
things. When he said "We" I felt the anger rise in me and I said, in a raised voice "Take your We and cram it up your butt." and other variations on the theme. I realized later that I had been seething and didn't feel resolved and my resentment was building. It was only a matter of time before I would blow and blow I did. We talked some more and I was able to more skillfully express myself about how I felt and apologize for attacking him. He still doesn't get why it upsets me and sees no problem with his we. Even so, he is willing to work on saying Lucy and I. I appreciate that. I am willling to look at myself about where I am coming from about this. Thanks for your part in listening to my story. It is risky for me to share unresolved issues. I am committed to continuing to go beneath the story to the feelings below to gain more clarity for myself. For now Gary and I are agreeing to disagree. I will write more about when to confront and when to let things slide. In your life how has this played out?