Water

As I write, I am watering my lawn. I have been in denial about my lawn thriving when I don't water it regularly. When I realized it was seriously on its way out I decided to do something about it. I have been watering my lawn consciously all week. It is actually better in spots. Have I told you that my spiritual belief system has two parts? Trust in God and do my part. I was doing a little too much of trusting in god and a little too little of doing my part. For God to do her part she needs water. My part is to provide the water, even when I think I am too tired. My lawn doesn't care how tired I am. Part of this is my ambivalence about having a lawn and using precious water to feed it. There's that ambivalence again. Ambivalence is an excuse to space out and do nothing and think that everything will work out. Oh, it's true that everything will work out but in the mean time it will mean a dead lawn or a dead relationship. Ambivalence is abdicating responsibility. When I am present I am much clearer about what I want. When I am spacing out and maybe even using overeating or obsessing to fortify my ambivalence, I am avoiding being present. What's your drug of choice? Being present means showing up with all of my feelings. They run the gamut. I am grateful to have a house and a lawn and resentful about having to take care of them.I enjoy doing what it takes to take care of my lawn and feel guilty about using so much water when there are so many people who don't have clean drinking water. I know that killing off my lawn will not help them. I can continue to contribute to groups who are addressing bringing clean water to people who don't have it, and water my lawn. I have to go move the sprinkler now. Thinking about moving the sprinkler just doesn't cut it. Right now I am still unable to move objects with my mind. Think about ambivalence and how being present may be its opposite.
I get to go on a raft trip with Gary and his brother and sister-in law on Sunday. I will be floating on lots of water for many hours. I appreciate this water. I am looking forward to hanging out with people I care about and having a relaxing time. Life is good. I will write again either Monday night or Tuesday.