hero child

I am very excited to be writing tonight. I am back from my trip to visit my mother and sister in Alamagordo, New Mexico. As many of you know, my mother has had alzheimer's disease for nine years. Last time I visited she didn't recognize me at first and this time she didn't recognize me for a while. Her short term memory has worsened considerably and she was more irritable and dissatisfied. I realized that all of my life my mother and I have been able to connect emotionally at a fairly deep level. This is the first visit this didn't happen. The first day I was there I cried all the way back to my sister's house because I felt such a loss. The second day I began to let go. It became clear to me that the price of the emotional connection my mother and I shared was that I always felt special because of it. I worked hard to be there for her and to make her happy. I did it partly because I love her and care about her and partly because I became identified with being the "hero child." The oldest child is usually the hero child. In a dysfunctional family, this child has the role of emotional supporter for one or both parents. She learns that her sense of self and self-esteem depend on her parents being happy. This dynamic creates co-dependency. The hero child comes to believe that external validation is what makes her safe and whole and happy. My mother's happiness became the gauge of my sense of being OK. Since my early twenties I have been working to detach from my dependance on my mother's approval. Her disease has helped me to let go. Yet this time I could see the subtle ways I still felt responsible to make her happy. I took my Mom to a playground to watch children play. Mom used to be a teacher and loved kids. Now she rarely gets to be around children or be outside. At one point she was wrapped in my flannel lined hooded jacket in 90 degree weather complaining that she was cold. After listening to her complain repeatedly and trying to be patient, I asked her if she was willing to relax and enjoy herself. She said "I don't". Something let go inside of me. I felt a sense of freedom that she was choosing not to be happy and that nothing I could do or say would make any difference.
In some deep way I was off the hook. My growing sense of self-reliance and my ability to support and validate myself from the inside got a booster shot. The inner child care center with my spiritual core and nurturing and protective adult parts is the real hero. I asked my inner resource team to surround my little inner hero child and let her know it was OK for her to just be a kid. It was OK for her to be playful and silly and to have fun. I am looking forward to being less heroic and having more fun. That is supported by the continuing development of healthy boundaries. The inner child care center is where I go now to know I am safe and whole and OK. Being resourced from the inside is where I go to find happiness. Happiness really is an inside job.
I appreciate my mother for giving me the opportunity to learn to love myself from the inside by providing me with this hero child's role. I feel strangely grateful. I kind of get it that this is the cirriculum. We learn to love and accept ourselves as we are by being loved conditionally. The suffering created by external validation, looking outside ourselves for a sense of self , is the practice field for searching for something more.
Where are you with external validation? Mindfulness is the first step. Notice the ways you are overly focused on what others think of you. Forgive yourself and gently use it as an opportunity to go inside and validate yourself. Then acknowledge yourself for doing that.