I don't want to

It is really hard to write tonight. I am leaving for Alamagordo to visit my Mom and sister tomorrow morning early. I still have to pack and water my lawn and I am very tired. Does it make sense to write this when I don't want to? I think it would be useful for me and maybe for you to take a mindful look at " I don't want to". Who do I listen to? It seems that the voice of my ego that tells me I don't have the energy and it's draining to write this blog. Furthermore my ideas aren't meaningful and noone reads this anyway. That critical tone tips me off to my ego.
I made an agreement to write this blog with myself and with you. I don't want to is the part of me that wants to rebel against my agreements and break them. Then I can tell myself that I'm not trustworthy. Sometimes if I'm quiet and go inside myself to my inner source I'll get that I want to change an agreement I have made. Changing that agreement is listening to that source. Not changing that agreement because I am worried that someone else will think I am a flake would be "I don't want to." It all depends on where it's coming from. Discerning the difference between the "I don't want to" that comes from the ego creating separation and the "this doesn't feel right. What is next?" that comes through guidance is an artful practice. Maybe a lifelong artful practice for me.
As I write, I notice I am energized in the way that expressing myself creatively reliably produces. Sometimes when I feel I don't have the energy to express myself creatively, I forget that the very act of creativity is anything but draining. I forget because of the part of me that would have me think that separating from my source is energizing. Eating when I'm not hungry isn't energizing regardless of what my ego tells me. I know I will probably continue to overeat when I am tired as I have been doing all this week. At least I know that
I am acting out a longterm pattern on automatic pilot. So," I want to" can also be motivated to create separatiion from the source or move us toward it. Sometimes the only way to tell the difference is to do something or not do something and see how it feels. Tonight eating when I wasn't hungry felt good in the moment and unsatisfying and draining afterwards. Telling myself that I was too tired to write this blog and eating when I wasn't hungry to give myself energy wasn't helpful. When I sat down to write and wrote from my heart about what I am experiencing right now that was helpful. Maybe what's important is to be mindful about "I want to" and "I don't want to" to see where we are coming from about it. The next step is to be compassionate and forgiving with ourselves about our choices.Slowing down and listening to the stillness within, where the voice of the source is more audible is our greatest challenge and our greatest blessing.