Roles

What about the rest of the kids? According to a paper written about co-dependency each child in a dysfunctional family(and they are all at least somewhat dysfunctional) has a limiting role they get stuck in. This map is useful to gain mindful awareness into the patterns we develop as children and then carry into our adult relationships. All of these roles are an attempt to survive. Luckily all of us did survive. In looking at moving from survival to thriving, it's helpful to have some guidelines about how the past may affect the present. Of course these roles don't fit for all families and the birth order and the roles can be switched around due to other things like gender, culture and chance. In my last blog I wrote about the first born or only child called the hero child. As I said this child takes on the heroic but impossible task of making sure one or both parents is happy. That child learns to validate externally and see his or her worth according to whether or not the parent or parents are happy. I am the eldest and have spent a lifetime being aware of and working my way out of my pattern of emmeshment with my mother 's emotions.
The second child is often called the scapegoat. This child can be the child that the family thinks is "the problem". When the parents aren't willing to look at their own issues with each other somebody has to be the problem. The hero child makes sure he or she is so good it couldn't be him or her. The hero child has the attention in the family for being the golden child so what's left for the second child is to get negative attention from acting out. The first child is busy being just what the parents want so what's left for the scapegoat is to be just what the parents don't want. Troubled families who are looking for someone to blame when things aren't working sometimes come into family therapy with the agenda of "fix this kid". This kid is called the scapegoat because he or she is being scaprgoated by the family. I remember my parents throwing up their hands and asking me what i thought they should do about my brother . Boy did that feel heroic for me. That was so inappropriate for a child to be dealing with. I felt so special and grown-up being asked for help. It took years for me to realize how being pitted against my brother was detrimental to both of us. I became a caretaker in training and he sense of competence was squished. None of these limiting roles allow a child to develop fully and express who they really are. The third child is called the lost child. This child removes his or herself from the family and goes off and does their own thing. They may spend their time lost in books or outside playing with friends. These lost children may have another family that they spend a lot of time with and fantasize being a part of. They seem to be separate from the family. Lost children can learn to be detached from the family and from their own bodies and emotions. The forth child's role is called the mascot. That child is the jokester whose role is to keep everyone laughing and distracted from their pain. He or she might do the distracting by being cute or by being funny. This child learns to use looks or cutesy behavior or joking to distract from their inner self. All of these roles are vehicles to come back to ourselves. Awareness of a long term pattern provides the impetus to return to the source inside. In that way all of us can see our roles as solutions to the problem of not being accepted and honored for who we are. We can begin to take on that job for ourselves and to create relationships with others where we are accepted , honored and encouraged. Of course, our parents faced the same limits in their families of origon. The challenge is to notice when we are on automatic pilot and ask for help, either inside or from someone we trust. What is your take on all of these roles as they relate to you and to your family?