Monday, April 27, 2009

Retreat reflections

I am back from my meditation retreat.It is strange to reenter the world after four days of silence. It's daunting how much gets communicated with words and how challenging it was to be in silence at first. After a while it is an enormous relief to be freed from the social talk that permeates daily life. Being without my hearing aids in a group of people for four days was a luxury. I could feel my body relax and let go when I didn't have to strain to hear what people were saying because they weren't saying anything. Only the leaders spoke to share their teachings.
The theme of the retreat was mindfulness in the body. We practiced a meditataion called the four elements which supported us in going down into our bodies and connecting to the part of us that is elemental. We are the earth, water, fire and air. I will write in more detail about that once I have digested it enough to explain it further.We did sitting meditation and walking meditation in alternating periods from early morning to late at night. We also did gentle hatha yoga and sensory awareness exercises.All of it was designed to help us tune into and learn to trust our own direct sensory experience. The idea is that the more we trust in our inner body wisdom the easier it is to truly take care of ourselves.On the retreat were thirty four people, about half men and half women. I am grateful to be able to participate in this retreat community. Feeling the energetic support of all these other people expands my experience of meditation.
On retreat eight years ago at this same location I slept in a dormitory with ten other women and one bathroom. Several of us snored. I got very little sleep.Sleep is very important to me and when I am sleep deprived it is not pretty. I allowed my mind to be distracted with worrying and strategizing about finding an available place to pee. I remember being very self-conscious and anxious about what others thought of me.
In contrast, this retreat was fun. I enjoyed seeing how big my definition of fun has become and how much it can include. I was willing to include hiking up a mountain and taking a very bad fall and the soreness and anxiety that engendered. Also included was some worry about getting enough protein and some difficulty sleeping even though I had my own room this time. The difference was I am better at accepting what is, even if it takes me a while. When I was tired I rested. When I was hungry I got myself some food. I was kind to myself and less worried about pushing myself. I relaxed and practiced listening to myself. The first precept of the retreat was about non-harming. Applying this to myself made my experience fun.
Maybe fun is what's left when we let go of should-a would-a could-a
and tune in to what feels right to us. Allowing my actions to come from that deep knowing of what feels right and forgiving myself when I didn't created space for my well spring of joy to bubble up.
What is fun for you? Could you create a retreat in your daily life from should-a would-a could-a even if only for an hour? When might that be?

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