one-up one-down same-as

Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
How true this is. So maybe there is a person I typically feel inadequate around. If I look at this as my using that person to feel badly about myself it gets me out of the victum role and empowers me to chose how I feel about myself around this person. It also gives me the choice about whether I want to spend much time or invest much energy in the relationship or not. I used to try really hard to get certain people to like me. Now I know that the people who I most enjoy being around are the people I don't have to try hard with. I am accepted for myself warts and all. This doesn't mean relationships don't take work. They do take work. It's just that in the rewarding relationships all of that works creates resolution of issues and the deepening of intimacy. I am very grateful to have supportive people in my life with whom the experience of conflict resolution creates closeness.
I notice that when I am feeling competitive with another person and trying to prove I am better than they are or comparing myself as less than them, I am usually feeling insecure. This is a message to me to haul myself back in my circle because I have probably jumped out by being so focused on this other person. From my circle I have nothing to prove to anyone. Who I am, just being me, is OK with me. In yoga classes this issue comes up for me. Sometimes I feel envious that other people can do poses I can't and sometimes I feel pride that I am such an experienced yogi compared to another. according to Terrence Real, there are three positions you can take in relationships: One-up, one-down and same-as. One-up is acting superior to another, One-down is pretending to be less than another and same-as is coming from an equal place. Often in a relationship if one person typically goes one- up, the other typically goes one-down. If either person is willing to move to same-as there is a chance for greater connection. Both one-up and one-down are defensive positions designed to protect ourselves. They end up protecting us from closeness by keeping us separate. Either going one-up or one-down is a signal to me that I am off center. Once I can recognize my identification with my ego's ideas of better and worse, and be mindful and compassionate with myself I can use my circle and my breath to recenter. From the position of same-as, I can peer out from my center and see another person as a human being. From same-as, I can see the other people in yoga class as fellow human beings with unique bodies just like mine. From that place I can soften both about my limitations and my abilities and focus on being present in my body in the class. When I get out of my own way, the real joy of yoga can come bubbling up.
See if it would be useful to take a look at one-up, one-down and same-as in your relationships? What do you notice?