Monday, May 12, 2008

shoes and gurus

Today is my 85 posting. It's amazing how doing something regularly builds the energy for continuing to do it. This has become a spiritual practice. Before I write I often read something inspiring about personal or spiritual growth. What I write doesn't always have something to do with what I read. It just sort of primes the pump of allowing myself to let what wants to be said flow out. I'm not sure what I am going to write about tonight. I am feeling concern about my new rosebush being out in the cold rain. Yesterday my daughter Monnya, her fiance Issac, my boyfriend Gary and I planted new perennials in my flower beds. That's what I asked for for mother's day. Monnya and Issac are experienced gardeners and Gary and I were their assistants. I feel very protective of the plants I chose. It's as if I got 10 more children this mother's day. The rose bush seems so delicate. When I am done writing I will get some advise about what I need to do to take care of them tonight. I really enjoyed the day. Several times I had to bring myself back from focusing on my guilt about not doing enough. I reminded myself that this was my day to receive. That is a challenge. Monnya painted my favorite pair of worn out navy blue suede clogs with flashy and glittery multicolored designs. I wish I could show you a picture. Each one is a different work of art . My little girl inside loves these glittery shoes and feels very special wearing them. It is a big stretch for me to wear something that draws attention to myself. I usually like to dress in a pretty understated way. In these shoes I feel like Dorothy with her ruby slippers. Dorothy's shoes are conservative compared to these. Several strangers commented on them and it was fun to tell people my daughter made them. It's never too late to challenge an old established pattern.
Monnya also wrote me a letter about what mother's day is like for her at 23. I felt so appreciated and loved. She writes from her heart and her letters have always been so moving. It is a bittersweet experience to have a grown daughter. I miss mothering the bright creative gutsy stubborn little girl she was. It was always a challenge to do my best to set clear boundaries and give her the space to honor her own mostly good judgement. I admire who she has become. It is easy for me to experience the joy of my own aliveness in her presence. It is also easy for me to worry about not doing enough. When she was born I didn't believe in gurus. When I heard the definition of a guru is someone who loves you so much that it brings up everything that isn't love in you to be burned away, I knew she was my guru. It is such a blessing to be loved and to love in such an unconditional way. It is also an ongoing opportunity to bring myself back to the present from the littany I can fall into about not being enough as a Mom. Once I asked Monnya to forgive me for not being there for her because I was so caught up in my relationship dramas with men as a single parent when she was growing up. She said" Get over it. You did a great job." I did do a great job in the midst of it all.
I am learning to mother myself in as loving and generous a way. It is, like writing this blog, a practice that builds energy the more I do it. How do you mother yourself? How is it the same as you were mothered and how is it different?

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