Monday, January 5, 2009

Work in progress

When my ego voice wants to run with something how can I keep from reacting? I was on the phone with Gary and I shared the belief statement I worked on in my PSYCH-K trade with my friend Linza tonight. It was: A new door in my life awaits me now. I did a Resolution Balance where the part of the brain that knows the statement is true is represented by one arm and the part that needs to know it is true and doesn't yet is represented by the other arm. I held my arms out to the sides and allowed them to come together of their own accord without making anything happen. In the process I let go of control and let my arms move themselves. I realized that the new door in my life that awaits me now is letting go of control. When my hands came together and I pulled them into my heart I felt grounded in trusting the universe. Over the past few days the energy has been shifting to be more allowing of what is and to speak my truth more directly. Letting go of control doesn't mean being laid back and pretending things are OK that aren't. I appreciate Linza's friendship and her skill as a therapist. I love PSYCH-K. In a brief phone conversation with Gary I told him what I had balanced for and he said, "We are never in control. We only think we are." I felt unheard and preached to. I debated whether to call him back because I wanted to write this blog and I am tired and didn't want to get into it with him. I realized I couldn't let it go and called him and asked him to do it over again with me. I shared what I balanced for again and this time he heard me. He got how I felt and understood it and that felt good. Now I am working with my sadness and anger about how hard I have to work to be heard by him. It is easy for me to generalize when I am in this place. I hear words like ,"he always... and he never...." I want to run and be with someone who is more like my women friends, who know how to listen to me and ask skillful questions to deepen my process. I don't have to be on guard about communication, choosing my words so as not to be hurt. I appreciate my close friends so much. I am on the edge of a precipice where I could find it difficult to sleep because I am obsessing about leaving my relationship. It is so easy to get pushed over the edge. I called Gary back and he asked me what I needed to feel better. That was a skillful question that I didn't know the answer to. I wanted my loving feelings of an hour ago before I talked to Gary to come back. I didn't know how to let go and open my heart. I was hoping to come to some resolution so I could let go of this and we could feel closer and both go to sleep. He feels pounded by me and that he can never be enough for me. I feel hopeless about ever being able to be safe relaxing and being emotionally vulnerable . He says that I want perfection and don't cut him slack about his humanity. I feel frustrated that he apologizes and says he will look at his stuff and doesn't look at what makes him do what he does.
He got mad and asked to call me back. Then we talked for a long time and heard each other and got through it. I realized I shared something important in a way that was a setup.
I said I didn't want to talk long and then shared an experience that needed time and attention. He reacted in a way that was unskillful and I got hurt. When I am hurt I get scared and I think I want to bolt. It would be way more skillful for me to communicate my fear than my wanting to bolt. If I tell him that something is important to me and share it at a time when he has time to listen, he can really show up. Mostly he really shows up. I am getting some help about all of this. So is he. I feel grateful to be in a relationship with Gary. He will talk to me until we get an issue resolved. I trust that we can get through things together.
I trust in our love. I trust in love. Except when I don't. There is work to do. I am a work in progress. So are you.

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