Thursday, April 17, 2008

Surrender and surrender again

OOO it's good to be writing again! It would've been hard for me to imagine that surgery could be such a positive experience. I am so blessed that I could go to Tampa to a surgeon who has created a unique procedure that simplifies the operation and the recovery. Everyone who I dealt with in the whole course of the surgery was kind and knowledgeable. Well, there was one guy who was brusque and knowledgeable. I was aware that his part of the procedure was the most stressful . It was further evidence of the power of kindness to create safety and relaxation. I want to remember to be kind the next time I feel impatient for another person to change something. This trip was about being in the flow. Gary planned and manifested this journey like the true master planner he is. He even managed to find a Whole Foods in Tampa after my surgery so I could have my veggie juice and kombucha. After all of the anesthetics it was great to have my tonics to support my recovery.
This trip was about receiving, which is often very challenging. Gary was really there for me and I let him be. I am very grateful that he wanted to come with me. I think it would've been scary and way less fun if I went alone. Letting another person in, in a way that feels emotionally vulnerable has always been daunting for me. If I open my heart maybe I will be rejected or disappointed or abandoned? It has always been easier to keep my distance, have one foot out the door, and stay protected from being hurt. I also stayed protected from experiencing the peace of letting go into love. This trip I felt less careful and more willing to let go of control and relax. I really love Gary and I let myself surrender to that love
more than I have before. I have been clinging to my pictures of what I wanted my partner to be like that Gary wasn't. I am learning that his kindness and ability to love deeply matter the most. Also he cops to his own stuff and is getting very skilled at hearing my feelings. We both did well with noticing our defensiveness and bringing ourselves back. I am realizing more and more that when I get scared I get critical. If I realize that I am scared and can communicate that to Gary, I get heard in a way different way than if I angrily point out what I think he did wrong. We were both fat kids who relied on our intellefcts to feel good about ourselves so we can both be stubborn about letting go of being right. I am starting to see how much sweeter it feels to be close than to be right. I think he is too.

This whole journey was about surrender. It helped that it started with surgery in which the choice was so clear that I could either surrender or suffer. Out of this initial surrender it made it easier to surrender to the physical pain afterwards and to hang out with it gently. As that eased I got to enjoy the ocean and have two days of vacation. Life is sweet. Thanks for listening and sending all of your healing thoughts my way.
What do you have the opportunity to surrender to? What might be in it for you?

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