So Anyone May Eat

Today I went to a restaurant that a yoga teacher colleague told me about. It is on Colfax and Race so I could walk from the yoga studio after teaching my class. It's called SAME. That stands for so anyone may eat. It is a donation based eatery. You eat their delicious organic vegetarian fare and pay whatever you chose to pay. The people who work there are all volunteers. You can also work for an hour to pay for a meal. It was exciting to see a group of people who have a dream bringing it to reality. Because I was so busy eating I didn't find out who this group is. The people working there were very warm and generous. This adventure was a gift to myself. When I heard about it on Saturday I thought, That would be fun to take myself there after class. I put it on my calendar. Another teacher asked me to help her with a project she is doing for the studio today after my class.
Sometimes I erase myself from my schedule if I think someone else needs me more. Instead I told her about the adventure I had planned and that I would be glad to help her afterwards. I invited her to come with me. She chose to stay and work on the project. I felt a little guilty because what I was chosing to do instead wasn't an appointment with someone or even a task on my to do list. In this culture it is rare that a person says they can't do something because they want the time for themselves.
I do know of some rare progressive work places where you can say you want the day for yourself and that is acceptable. The people I feel the safest with are the ones I can say, "Thanks for inviting me. I'd like to and I really want the time to myself. "
After I walked to my adventure, ate and walked back I helped with the project. Seva means service. Because I took the time to do something I planned to do for myself, doing seva for the studio was easy and fun. In the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, she talks about making an artist's date with yourself on a regular basis. Her idea is to create an activity that supports you as an artist like taking yourself to the art museum. I am interested in continuing to make dates with myself. Does this sound appealing to you? Is there an adventure you'd like to take yourself on? Maybe there's something you want to do that you've been waiting to find someone else to do it with.
Why not do it and enjoy your own company? Let yourself know what a cool person you are to hang out with.

Basic goodness

So how do you work with the ego? How do you begin to discern your own voice of fear and separation that lets you know you suck or don't quite measure up or that you're not good enough? First of all it is helpful to do an inventory. When do you hear your critical voice? Is there any kind of a pattern? Whose voice do you hear? Do you actually hear a voice or is it more of a gut feeling that lets you know you aren't OK? Do you feel shame or guilt? Then it is useful to look for a core belief. What sentence does your inner judge use most often to let you know of your shortcomings? For me is is that I should be feeling something different than what I am feeling. Or a variation is that I should be doing something different than what I am doing. Basically it is that I am doing it wrong whatever it is. Underneath that is the belief that there is something wrong with me. What my inner critic tells me is wrong with me is that I don't know how to truely love. I used to say that when the quality for unselfish loving was passed out I was in the bathroom. I stopped saying that because that kind of a joke really isn't really funny and validates my fears.
So, how do I work with the ego? I have had a lot of practice lately because my ego has been really lous and insistent. The first step is awareness. Recognizing when I am judging myself and saying something to acknowledge that. Sometimes I say"Ego". I used to say," thank you for sharing" because it was amusing. I also tried "f--- offf" for a while but using aggression to counter aggression went against my values and didn't seem effective. My ego is also way better at arguing than I am so I don't try to argue anymore. After I can recognize that I am being attacked by my ego what helps the most is coming back to my circle and asking for help in remembering I am lovable just as I am. When I remember to breathe into my body in my circle and let myself feel held in love I often can disengage from my ego. Realizing that the self-hate is itself a messenger of an ego attack lets me know I am more than self-hate. Noticing I am hating myself and being kind to myself allows me to witness my harsh judgement. The alternative is to notice I am judging myself and judge myself for judging myself. That is two steps away from self-love. All is not lost though. Awareness can happen no matter howmany steps way we are from holding ourselves kindly. Remembering our basic goodness beyond the particular ego story is also useful. It also helps to remind myself what I would say to a child who approached me feeling self-hate. In my wildest dreams I wouldn't say,"buck up and get over it". I would say, "I can understand how you would feel that way
and move toward the child lovingly with words or touch." When I offer that to myself, it lets me know that I do know how to truely love and am lovable just as I am.
My suggestion is to begin to investigate how your ego addresses you and how you react to it. Appreciate yourself for doing this courageous work. If you've already begun this process acknowledge yourself for that. Hold yourself in love for your basic goodness. This goodness comes from being a human being regardless of what you do. Hold yourself or ask for help in holding yourself from an unconditionally loving being of your choice. When we are present in our bodies breathing into our own basic goodness, the ego , whose messages are based on the past and the future, has to take a time-out.

honoring feelings

Today was such a gorgeous day. When I was out for a walk with my friend Wendy I took the time to notice the beautiful trees and flowers. I don't remember fall being this lovely before. I think at least part of it is I am noticing more. More of my attention is available to notice what is going on around me. It is easier to be present than it used to be. That feels very good.
I worked with Wendy today on my pattern of ignoring my feelings. I know how I feel about something and then I try to convince myself that I feel differently. It is a pervasive pattern that crops up all over my life. Today I went shopping to find a pair of jeans. I found a pair I really liked and when I sat down in them they were tight. I knew they didn't feel comfortable and that after they were washed they would be even less comfortable. I tried to convince myself to buy them anyway telling myself that I was too picky because I don't like to wear tight pants and that they would be fine.I started to think that maybe I would lose some weight and I quickly moved back to my center. I don't buy clothes with losing weight in mind anymore. If it doesn't fit me now, I don't buy it. I tried them on many times and then left the dressing room with them. On my way to the check-out line I heard a screaming voice telling me to put them back. I was confused because yesterday I decided if my internal voice was mean it wasn't in my best interest. Today however, I decided to do an experiment. I decided to listen to the voice because maybe it was speaking to me insistently because I was refusing to listen.I put the pants on hold and left the store. Then I went and did another errand and hung out with how it felt to let go of the pants. At first I felt disappointed and deprived.Soon
I began to feel relieved.I really like to breathe comfortably when I have clothes on. Breathing is always good. I remembered how many times I had gone against the screaming voice and ended up returning things. I remember one winter when my daughter was younger and I wanted to buy black boots. I put Monnya through many stores and many returns. I felt sad about doing that and glad I am becoming more aware of this pattern now.It is a symptom of not being willing to listen to myself and trust in my truth.
I am grateful to be unraveling this pattern.I want to learn discernment about what feel right to me beyond right and wrong. I want to practice knowing the difference between intuition and ego. It is a complex process process and oh so interesting. There are many times I do listen to myself and many times I don't.I want to start to notice more how it feels when I honor my feelings and how it feels when I ignore them. I want to encourage you to do the same.
Someone I worked with always said, "Have a day." She said she could always wish someone to have a day without saying how their day should be and know they would. Have a weekend. I will write again on Monday.

Compassion gardening

My friend Graham, who is a very good editor, looked at my last blog and pointed out several misspellings. I am not the greatest speller and I'm sure in all of the blogs I've written there are many more mispellings and typos I didn't catch. I appreciate your patience. When I went back to edit the mispellings he found my computer jumped me out. For now they will stay as they are. Thanks for your understanding.

If I could have compassion for hating myself, I would be loving myself and nothing about me would need to change. Cheri Huber

I really likes this quote that I got from my daily peace quotes (www.livingcompassion.com)
When I am aware of my ego or false self yapping about what's wrong with me it is useful to notice. For instance" Why are you rushing to write this blog? This is a stupid topic. You don't have anything to say about it." So first I interrupt the urge to stop writing and go eat something I'm not hungry for. Then I remember that any voice which speaks to me unkindly is most definitely my ego. So, I say "Ah, ego" and keep writing. When I can have compassion for myself for hating myself, I am loving myself. If instead I said," There you go again. You have the most ruthless ego I can ever imagine. You are really messed up."
Who do you think that is? It is the ego or false self telling me how bad I am because It is so strong. If I let it, it gets me coming and going. Compassion means caring about someone else's suffering. When it's my own suffering I care about, I can shift out of listening to my ego and pretending that I am my ego. I am so much more than my ego. Sometimes it is useful to ask for help by drawing my circle around me and bringing someone or something that I feel loves me unconditionally into my circle. Imagining being held in unconditional love or asking for the experience of being held in unconditional love in the midst of self-hate or self- criticism can be very helpful. Bringing my own higher self into my circle is a great relief . I get to see that I don't have to do it alone. Self-soothing doesn't have to be a solitary project. There is help available if we are willing to ask for it. It is always there. It is us that pretend we have been abandoned.
Do an experiment. Close your eyes. Draw your circle around you. Let yourself be quiet and go down into your body by using your breath as a focus. Ask for the experience of being loved for being exactly who you are and see if you can contact that feeling within you. imagine it could include the things you hate. Breathe and be still a few more moments. See what you notice. It's kind of like creating a compassion garden. Gardening compassion. Do this practice every day for a few minutes for a week. See what you notice.

Dream

Before we left on our vacation I read this article on MSN about revealing questions to ask on a first date. One of the questions was, If someone gave you a million dollars what would you do with it?
On the drive back from Steamboat Springs Gary and I were talking about what we would do. I have had this dream for many years of starting a mentoring program where a group of volunteers would spend an hour a week with children from the time they were newborns. It was fun to talk to him about my dream and imagine I could use my million to implement the program.
I really hate sitting in the middle seat on planes. I have a very small bladder and I inevitablby end up climbing over a large person on my way to the bathroom many times and feeling like a pain in the butt. Once I literally climbed over a sleeping person by standing up on my seat. My return flight from the second part of my trip, a seminar in Albequerque, was full and I had a middle seat. At least it would only be an hour long. It turned out that the person who sat in the aisle seat next to me was the head of a headstart program that trains early childhood specialists who train teachers. I was moved to share my dream of creating a mentoring program with her.
A person would act as a mentor for one child and spend an hour a week with her or him as long as they lived in the same city. The mentor would act as a sort of godparent, in an age where this concept doesn't happen much anymore. My vision is to train a group of volunteers in the art of providing loving presence and full attention.The training would include child development, communication skills and self-esteem building.
The mentor would learn to validate the child and be a sanctuary in which the child could learn authentic self-love. My dream is for kids to have a safe harbor to experience acceptance for who they are and a model for healthy relationships.There would also be an ongoing support group for the mentors. My seatmate was excited about my idea and told me about a conference I might speak at. Speaking about full attentive presence to specialists who train teachers might be a first step in the process of realizing my dream. Sharing my idea with this vital and caring woman transformed a dream into the realm of a possibility.Once again I was so grateful to see how life provides in such a beautiful way.It was very satisfying to share this dream with you. Thanks for listening. Do you have a dream? What would it be like to share it with a supportive person?
What would it be like to share that you want to have a dream and don't yet, if that is the case?

Vacation

Today was such a lovely day. Gary and I are in Steamboat Springs on vacation. I started out the day in a yoga class that had a beautiful view of a river behind it. I found the class challenging in that it was extremely difficult to hear the teacher even on the highest volume of my hearing aids. Even so, I love doing yoga and it made me appreciate the teachers at whole yoga, where I teach in Denver, so much more. Then Gary and I were headed up to Strawberry Hot Springs. I was willing to go and I really wanted to hike first. He surprised me by pulling over and finding this gorgeous hike.
He said he wanted to go for 40 minutes. He really pushed himself and we ended up hiking for two hours. I was in bliss. The aspen trees were just beginning to change and the colors were breathtaking. I never knew there could be so many shades of green. There were rich yellows and golds joined with the reds and oranges of the scrub oaks. It reminded me of autumn in the east where I grew up. There was a sense of community with the people we passed as we shared the experience of being in such beauty.
On top of that it was my perfect hike. I like narrow unrocky paths that wind through forests and open up to great views. I like steady uphill climbs with flat places for a breather now and then. At one point the path was lined with more ferns than I have ever seen in one place. The way the light was hitting them had a magical quality. We found a chokecherry bush and had a small feast. The berries were sweet and succulent. At one point on the way down I had the thought that I wanted to pause to etch this hike in my brain. I had a sense of drinking in the experience and being completely satisfied. I felt so grateful to have a partner who loves moving in nature. I love my work and it is such a blessing to be able to be on vacation. I know I will return to my work with renewed energy and vitality.
We hung out at Strawberry Hot Springs for five hours. It was a welcome reward for our bodies after the hike. There was a pervasive sense of peace there. I felt very fortunate to be able to be in such a relaxing natural environment. People there were being very loving with each other. It was very pleasurable to share the experience of soaking in hot water in a beautiful place with people in so many different shapes and ages of bodies. Thanks for letting me share this day with you. It is a delicious end to this day to be able to write and share it
with you. I may not write until next Sunday or Monday. Is there any sort of rejuvenating vacation in your near future? Would you be willing to give yourself a well-deserved break?

visualization

My energy is shifting. This week has been much better. Focusing on the positive really does help. Yesterday I received an e-mail based on the law of attraction. What you put your attention on is what you attract. I don't think things are as simple as "The Secret" makes them out to be. There is a lot more mystery going on behind the process of manifestation than I am privy to. However, I have noticed in this political campaign, as I said before, that focusing on what I am against and resisting that, creates negativity and drains my energy.
The e-mail suggests being quiet and visualizing Obama as president for thirty seconds. I did it last night and it really helped. In my visualization I imagined people getting that we are in this together and that Obama is leading the way to a more cooperative, collaborative and connected political system. I felt his strength of character and committment to positive change in the quality of life for regular people. Focusing on my visualization I felt less anxious and more hopeful.
I e-mailed my friend Wendy the visualization idea and she wrote back that she has been visualizing Obama's acceptance speech as part of her daily meditation.
She said that in her visualization people are joyous and hopeful. I thought it was a great idea so I stopped and took 30 seconds to imagine that. At Obama's acceptance speech there was a palpable excitement in the crowd and an eagerness to continue participating in the political process. I could feel the positive energy in my body. At the very least, visualizing is getting me to slow down and take time to be. Maybe that is the point. Breathing deeply and focusing on creating a vision of what could be, allows me to be quiet and still. It settles me down from railing against what I don't want to happen. What you resist persists. That feels true to me. Trying to be in control and thinking I can avoid the experience I am having is a useless folly. What that gets me is tension in my belly and a stiff neck. Aversion or pushing away doesn't make anything go away. What seems to work the best is acknowledging my fear or sadness or anger, breathing mindfully into whatever I am feeling and including it in being OK. Inclusion brings comfort. The more space there is to include my experiences in what I consider to be OK the more space there is for me to feel like I'm OK.
What do you want to imagine for yourself? Could you be quiet and breathe and create a vision of it and sit with it for 30 seconds? In addition what could you include in your concept of being OK that you weren't willing to include before?Would you be willing to create a little more space in your heart for some experience or emotion that you used to consider not OK? Would you be willing to sit with that for 30 seconds?