Looking for love

I have returned from visiting my Mom and my sister in New Mexico. It was a very challenging and growthful trip. My mother didn't recognize me. I knew the day would come. I was prepared for it in my mind. The last time I was there it took several hours for her to recognize me. The first day I was waiting for her to remember who I was. She never did. I was very sad that first evening. I had a good cry in my car driving back to my sister's home. I called Gary for support and he listened and validated my feelings of grief. I am blessed to have a partner who can be with my pain and not try to fix me.
The second day I began to accept that my mother didn't know who I was. I would say to her, " Do you know who I am?" She would say she didn't. Then I'd say, "I am your daughter." She'd say "Really?" As I relaxed into being with her as she is, it became easier to just enjoy her company. I took her to the library and read kids books to her and to Good Will to try on clothes. My mother rarely gets to leave the place she lives in so it was fun to take her on outings. By the second day I was feeling tenderness and love for her as she is. I gave her several deeksha blessings. The third day after our outings we took a nap together which was so sweet.
I realized I have spent my whole life trying to feel loved by her in the way I want to be loved.
In the process of letting go of that happening I have had to learn to love myself from the inside. Her lack of recognition was one more layer of my letting go process. Now she couldn't even give me recognition and it was no more personal than when she couldn't accept me as I am. Her lack of acceptance wasn't because she didn't want to accept me but rather that she didn't have the skillset to open to two different truths at the same time. My solution was to accept her as she was as best I could and not to be emotionally vulnerable with her. I have learned to find other people who I feel safe to share my feelings with who love and support me as I am. With my friends I have learned how to use conflict to get closer together. When we have two different truths we can use accepting that both are true to create deeper intimacy.
I am grateful to my mom for teaching me the importance of caring about people. I was brought up to help others with time and money. It feels good to do service. She taught me that from an early age.
Earned secure attachment is accepting that the external validation we craved as children about being lovable as we are will never come from our parents. It is learning to soothe ourselves and grieve the loss. That creates space to open to loving ourselves as we are by accepting each issue we find unacceptable little by little and celebrating along the way. Developing internal validation means learning to know what our own truth is about what feels right to us and basing our actions on that truth. Accepting our mistakes and forgiving ourselves for them is also part of earned secure attachment. It means we don't have to be perfect to deserve our own love. I have looked for love in all the wrong places for most of my life. It is so satisfying to see that pattern changing. I am now making better choices and looking for love within myself , with my trusted friends and with my partner. Can you notice changes in that pattern in yourself?