Leaping

When I teach yoga I always begin my class with saying, Welcome my name is still Andrea." One of my students said I should change my name to Andrea Still.
It made me laugh because being still is often so challenging for me. It has been helpful since then to remember Andrea Still when I am moving really fast and have jumped out of my circle. Now is one of those times. I have been home nursing cold symptoms and not going out very much. It is a blessing to work at home always and especially when I am low energy and need to rest.
I did go teach yoga yesterday and was concerned about whether I would
have the energy. Fifteen people showed up and at the end it was as if I had inhaled a divine energy elixer. Chanting om with 16 mixed voices filling the room is enough to lift any spirit. I think we should rent ourselves out as a remedy for seasonal affective disorder. Today I stayed home all day and all evening and cancelled everything that wasn't happening here. It was delicious to have time to do whatever I wanted in the space left open from three cancelled plans.
I do too much and am often running from activity to activity. They are often growful and sometimes fun activities. This week has given me a chance to recommitt to slowing down before I have to get sick to do it.
One of the things I have been doing with my time is looking at engagement rings on e-bay. I think I may have a shopping addiction. When I did a search for antique white gold rings and 346 came up I blithely sailed through them all. I couldn't sleep and came down to check out some more at 5:00. The great thing, and the problem with e-bay is that they are open anytime. Gary and I are buying a house in Boulder together and we are closing on Monday. I am keeping my house as an office and will be down here to work three days a week. We are talking about getting engaged. I am so grateful to the fire for burning up all of my fears and doubts. Although I am deeply sad for Gary about his losses for me the fire was such a blessing. Now we are going into the fire of a new life together.
Am I scared? Terrified would be a better word. I have lived alone for twenty years. My daughter Monnya is the only person I have successfully lived with.
If there is a continuum that runs from terror to excitement I doing continuum dancing. I love the new house. Gary and I have looked at many many houses. He probably looked at over a hundred. Although I knew that our house, the one we both loved, had to be out there somewhere, it was hard to hold the faith sometimes. I can see now that none of the others felt right because they weren't right. And I was so scared to be in a committed relationship I was blinded by panic whenever moving in together seemed imminent. So the fire happened and I got clear that life is short and it was time to take my one foot which had been out the door and firmly plant it in the middle of my relationship with my kind, deep, annoying partner, Gary. Then the house which had been hiding its face since the evacuation from the fire stopped its showings, came to Gary's attention. I am daunted and excited about living in the foothills outside of Boulder. I used to think I was a mountain woman, but lately I have had serious doubts.
I always said I could live anywhere as long as I had one close woman friend, and a nearby health food grocery store and a yoga studio. I have all of those things and a three day a week access to my current lovely life. This transitional way of moving makes it feel doable and a safe risk. Please think of me and send me the energy of courage and honesty. I will need both. Is there a leap of faith that you have been wanting to make? What would it be like to imagine yourself leaping? What would it be like to take the first small step into the leap?