Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Courage: raw and ripe

I just finished an article by Sally Klempton about courage. It was called Brave Heart. She writes the wisdom column for yoga journal and I eagerly await learning from her wisdom every month. She talked about the difference between raw courage and ripe courage. Raw courage comes from desire and zeal. It is an emotional act often involving danger that can be thought out or impulsive. Ripe courage, on the other hand, is a risk to trust in something greater than ourselves. It is a conscious act of surrender to what our inner intuition tells us is the right thing to do. Sally speaks about how courage is different for different people. To me most acts of courage are both raw and ripe. They take a leap of faith and a willingness to act in the face of fear. All acts of courage involve a risk. It might be a physical or emotional risk of doing something we wonder if we can do, pushing past our fears and doing it anyway. I sang a gospel song with all the people at my friends' Janet and Miguel's wedding. It was Love is the Healing Power. I taught it to the group and then we sang it in the honor of Janet and Miguel's love. I was scared and pushed through my fear and did it anyway. I had an intuition that it would bring the diverse group together. I shortened the length of the song because the leader of the ceremony was worried that there wouldn't be time for everyone who wanted to share. I pushed past my pattern of shrinking when I feel criticized or rushed and finished the shortened version. It felt like a worthy contribution and was heart-felt and fun. That took courage mostly raw with a little ripe.
My biggest act of courage of late is to push past my long term fear of commitment and buy a house with Gary. When bouts of terror come up I sit with them and allow myself to feel my fear. That makes space for the excitement I feel about my beautiful home in Boulder. My ego has alot to say about how I am doing it wrong. Maybe part of courage is to risk the ego's wrath in doing things that upset our own status quo. My inner guide is smiling and pleased. I am trusting in the divine energy that brought us together and surrendering to that inner knowing.
Gary and I got engaged on Saturday. We also got engaged two years ago. I lasted five days and was so filled with terror I asked to be unengaged. Luckily Gary is a very patient man who courageously trusted that our relationship was right through all of my fears and doubts. This time I am much more relaxed. I have better tools to deal with my fear. I know that a certain intense level of anxiety about my relationship with the man I love is my ego's chief distraction from my being present. I am on to the judgements that kept me suffering in ambivalence for five years. I am ready to face my fears and embrace my fiance. I really like the sound of the word fiance- it's thrilling to me. This has been a long challenging journey through my fears. This is the first time in my life when I actually have both feet in a relationship, not one out the door. Loving Gary as a fallible wonderful human being for all of who he is doesn't mean I always have to like him. I know the capacity to love and accept him as he is comes from my growing sense of self-love and self-acceptance. I have the capacity to accept a partner now. Waves of love wash over me at unexpected moments and I am bathed in gratefulness to share this level of love with another human being. It is a miracle to me, given my difficult relationship history,to be given the chance to trust in a man and to love wholeheartedly at the age of sixty. I have always wanted a spiritual partner, even before I even had the concept of using a relationship to heal the pain body by triggering it and using the healing process to get closer to God. It takes a brave heart to open up to receiving what I have always wanted. Woo Hoo! How about you?
How is your heart brave? What can you recognize in yourself about courage raw and ripe?

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