Perfectionism

I am preparing to leave to go visit my mother and my sister and her family. It is always a challenge to visit my Mom. Her Alzheimer's disease has progressed and I never know if she will know who I am. The last time I went to visit it took her a few hours and then she knew me. I know whatever happens will be sad and also sweet. I have a friend who has alzheimers who is conscious of his disease process. He will discuss what he is noticing and how he feels about it. It is such a relief to be able to be honest and offer support. My Mom never accepted what was happening to her. We couldn't talk about it because she would say it wasn't happening. I understand that it was too painful for her to accept. I want to accept her and use this visit to be with her whereever she is. I'm not saying I expect it to be easy or comfortable. My grieving process of letting go of my Mom continues. I wonder if by the time she dies that grieving will be easier because I have been letting go for so long?
Last night in my wings group we were reading about perfectionism. A child who isn't being loved and cared for by her parents or caregivers decides she is doing something wrong and she is bad and keeps trying harder to be good and perfect. It is her fantasy that if she only tries hard enough that her parents will give her the love she craves. Because that love isn't forthcoming the child works harder to be perfect. It is easier to accept blame than to accept that the love will never show up. That is too scary for a child. Then these behaviors are carried into adulthood. We think we can earn love and approval by what we do and how we do it. That approval, even if we get it isn't satisfying because of the unmet childhood needs behind it. Also if the acceptance and approval of others for our accomplishments was sufficient for us to feel lovable we would think our accomplishments do determin our worth. Instead it is important to be compassionate with ourselves for our driven perfectionism and to be kind and reassuring that it will never get us the love we craved. Instead we can work with the pain of not being loved for who we were and experience and release it. We can soothe the little child inside and tell her that she is lovable without even trying. A friend of mine today told me about the affirmation," I am good enough without even trying. " It is a powerful antidote for perfectionism to embrace the concept of good enough." It helps to heal the little child inside who feels like he is bad and undeserving of being loved for being who he is. Once I heard that the definition of a perfectionist is someone to whom nothing is ever perfect. What a relief to let ourselves know that good enough is good enough. Even though it is uncomfortable to release trying after we've done a reasonable job at something, it helps to heal the part of us that always has the bar a little higher than we can perform. In that way we never feel satisfied and content and peaceful. Feeling satisfied and content and peaceful gradually grows as we become aware of our unreasonable standards and soothe ourselves into giving ourselves more slack.
I know that no matter how hard I try I can never get my Mom to show up and love me the way I always wanted her to. In some ways her being incapacitated
makes it easier to let go. I know I have to do my healing work to accept who I am as good enough regardless of what I do. No amount of perfectionistic doing will get me there. In some ways that is a relief. Do you have perfectionistic tendencies? Would it be helpful to have a talk with the little child inside you about this? Could you reassure her that she is lovable just as she is and that you love her for being her?
This is good enough and now I am going to sleep. Thanks for reading my blog.