fear is impending growth

Gary and I went up to our friends' beautiful mountain home for a sleepover. It was the first time we have been up in the mountains since the fire. I am grateful for the friendship of Eric and Linza. I think it is rare for four people to get along and to be able to be so real and relaxed with each other. The aspen trees on their land had dancing golden leaves and today was a beautiful day. Gary woke up and said, "Can I go home now?" My heart overflowed with tenderness for him. I wish I could bring his home back and yet at the same time I know he has grown into a more confident, wiser, less attached person out of his loss. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my home. I lost about four things in the fire and he lost thousands. He knows the fire has brought him the gift of relying on his inner strength more and being more willing to ask for and receive help. The fire has taught me to have a more compassionate relationship with my fears and doubts. Life seems so fragile and impermanent and I am less willing to spend it spinning obsessive stories about my inadequacies. It has been easier for me to recognize experience and release my fear. Combining mindfulness and compassion is much kinder and more effective than judge and flagellate. Judge and flagellate would be to notice my fear of being in a committed relationship with Gary, judge myself for having my fear and either beat myself up for being such a bad person or beat myself up for being with the wrong person. Mindfulness combined with compassion would be to notice I am afraid and go under the story and be with the sensation in my body. It would be to treat myself lovingly and with curiousity and to recognize that fear is a call for attention. It would be to say to myself, "I am here for you with your fear." I would also remember to be in my circle and to bring in my spiritual support, whatever form I experienced that as in the moment. Fear is impending growth.
Bringing my attention to the felt-sensation of my fear allows me to trust that I will show up for myself even when it is uncomfortable. The resolution of interpersonal conflict can deepen intimacy. The resolution of intra-personal conflict can also creater deeper intimacy. Each time I allow myself to experience and release a fear rather than judging and making up unkind stories, I strengthen the muscle of loving myself unconditionally. In this way I can shift the neural pathways of self-flagellation toward kindness. Self-acceptance means more and more of all of who I am is included in what I am able to allow myself to experience. Being with what is with kindness toward ourselves helps to integrate the pain of that lack of acceptance in childhood. Reparenting ourselves with acceptance integrates childhood wounds that come from abuse or neglect or inconsistency from our caregivers. By saying to ourselves, "I am here for you with whatever" and then breathing and showing up for ourselves, we can be the parent we deserved to have. We can be the parent our parents deserved to have.
We can stop the legacy of judge and flagellate and open to the experience of mindfulness and compassion. Noticing the pattern of judge and flagellate and bringing compassion to ourselves may be the first step. What are you judging yourself about in this moment? Could you see it as a call for your own attention?
Take a moment to slow down and breathe. You are so worth it!