Earned secure attachment

I am relearning about adult attachment styles. The information has been very empowering and I am passing it along to you. In childhood, children develop secure attachment or insecure attachment. If a child is consistently cared for and her needs are responded to consistently lovingly and with clear limits she developes basic trust and a strong sense of self-esteem and self-love. This is called secure attachment. These people as adults have developed an internal locus of control so they know what feels right from the inside and are likely to act from that intuitive knowing in their daily lives. They tend to be confident yet not arrogant. What is there to be arrogant about when you have nothing to prove to anyone?
When it wasn't clear whether our caregivers would show up for us to meet our needs we learned to reject ourselves and mistrust others. Inconsistant showing up, parents who are at times loving and at times cold and withdrawn leads to insecure attachment in children which impacts our adult relationships. Parents who meet very basic survival needs but not the needs for physical affection and validation set the stage for insecure attachment in their children. Abusive or demeaning parents also create children who don't feel safe in the world. These children who are abused or demeaned in childhood often become adults with an avoidant or dismissive insecure attachment. These people often isolate themselves from others and tend to be walled off and emotionally distant. Trust in relationships is very difficult and they are often people who need to do everything for themselves and have difficulty asking for help.
Children who have their needs met inconsistently or only their basic needs met tend toward anxious insecure attachment. These people easily lose themselves in relationships and often develop an external locus of control. This means they have learned to look outside of themselves for answers. They tend to be anxious and have many fears and doubts and low self-esteem. The third style is fearful-avoidant insecure attachment. These children become adults who want intimacy and are very afraid and cautious about experiencing close relationships. They also tend toward low self-esteem and don't feel that they are worthy of love and attention.
I can see myself in all three styles. My first line of defense is to be walled off and avoidant. My strategy is to abandon the other person before they abandon me. Once I begin to feel somewhat safe that the other person is sticking around, I can be needy and expect my partner to meet my needs even without communicating them. It's easy for me to be stoically dependant on myself or to look to another for my answers rather than to rely on my intuition.
With the combination of a sometimes very loving and sometimes physically and emotionally abusive mother and a withdrawn and walled off father I developed a mixture of insecure attachment coping styles. Where do you see yourself? Securely or insecurely attached and what is your main insecure attachment style if that applies to you?
Here's the good news. Modern neurobiologists have created the concept of earned secure attachment. That means there is hope for those of us who have done and are doing a great deal of work on ourselves. Earned secure attachment means rerouting the neural pathways that lead us to abandon ourselves and creating basic trust in ourselves, others and the world. This is learned by soothing ourselves when we would normally react with fight flight or flee and creating the habit of engaging the higher thinking brain or neocortex. Breathing deeply is a good way to get there. Practicing pausing before reacting and giving ourselves opportunities to make healthier choices creates habitual healthy response patterns. Also there is a chance to create relationships as an adult with people who are trustworthy and willing to work on themselves with us. This contributes greatly to earned secure attachment. I love the concept of earned secure attachment. My parents did not have the resourses within themselves or in the world to earn secure attachment. My father died walled off with a body that deteriorated from being so shut down. My mother has alzheimer's disease and was in denial about it all along.
I feel grateful that I have had the opportunity to heal and grow beyond their legacy. When I think of earned secure attachment it feels heroic. I can become my own hero and have a healthy relationship with myself, others and the world.
When I think of earned secure attachment I can see my difficult childhood as a vehicle to learn my basic goodness. It feels good that I am in the process of reparenting myself in the way I deserved to be parented. I am blessed to have people in my life who are committed as I am to experiencing and releasing the obstacles in the way of being a fully expressed human being. When we are willing to open to whatever comes up and to experience and release our anger, fear and sadness more space is created for vibrancy and joy. Present moment awareness and self-acceptance are part of earned secure attachment. With mindfulness and compassion we move down the road toward being securely attached within ourslves to the sense of God within us. Thanks for reading this blog. I appreciate having a forum to teach and learn.