inner teenager

Thanks for all of the support. It means a lot to me to know that my blog is contributing. Since I have been writing about childhood sexual abuse and reading and painting and talking about sexual abuse I am making up a story that I am nowa drag. I imagine when people get ready to read my blog, or see my name on their caller ID or have a plan to get together with me, that they think," Oh no if I hear one more word about childhood sexual abuse I am going to scream. Whatever happened to that joyful being that Andrea used to be?" I know I am projecting. Even though I am the one wondering where the me I knew has gone and projecting that on to others, it doesn't make it feel any better. I used to have mood swings. I used to feel like my moods were like monkeys swinging from trees. Now it's like there are hippopotimi swinging from the same trees. One minute I am infused with joy because I can feel the space that releasing all of this pain is creating within me, the next I am overwhelmed with the pain of the loss of so many years of experiencing sexual pleasure.
One minute I am excited about my new-found strength in setting boundaries, the next I am angry and pounding on my bed and sweating and crying. I am obsessed with reading The Courage to Heal. A guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. It has been so helpful to finally read this book. I have had the book for twenty years and never really read it. I skimmed it so I could be helpful to clients. When I first recovered the memory of the abuse last month I skimmed the book again. I told myself that after all of the work I had done on myself I really didn't need to actually read the book. I could have kept pretending that this memory wasn't really affecting me very much. When I stuff my feelings, I have noticed I want to eat everything that isn't nailed down. And I do. My pants are all getting tight and that has been a good motivation to focus and read this book and do the writing exercises. These two women wrote this book to help people like me and I am now letting them.When I sit down at my kitchen table to read the book I say to myself, "Now for a little light reading." It is getting easier to laugh at myself.
I notice each time I pound on my bed or write about my grief or cry as I share what happened I get softer and more open. I am healing the part of me that is a tough girl. Today in my therapy session I connected with my inner fifteen year old. She is rail thin and very tightly wound and lives mostly on diet pepsi and cigarettes. She doesn't want help from anyone. She protects herself by shutting her heart down and pretending she is fine. She is not fine. I let her know that I will protect her and that she can relax and be a teenager and have some fun. Fun? What a concept!
Fun wasn't safe for her because it made her too vulnerable. She wants to go shopping and dance to loud music and talk to her friends on the phone. She wants her hair to be straight and she wants to write poetry and she wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. She is strong-willed and yet it's hard for her to ask for what she wants. I want her to know I love her and accept her for who she is. I will listen to her and nurture her and protect her and not let her be in charge. I am in charge. I care about her and I am the grown-up here.
I reassured her that I intend to be more conscious about food. She doesn't want me to stuff her with food or deprive her of pleasure. Together we will seek a balance of enjoying food when hungry and finding other vehicles to pleasure besides food. We will make mistakes and know it's OK not to be perfect. Together we will learn it is OK not to be rigid and to let safe people in more. I admire her spunk. She is a risktaker. I want her help in stretching into areas I find uncomfortable. I want to provide her with boundaries that allow her to feel taken care of better. I am committing to taking the time to give her the attention to get to know her. There is a lot to be gained for both of us.
What do you know about your inner teenager? Would you see it as useful to check in with her or him? Would you like to get some help in doing that? You could also write to your inner teenager in your joural.