Blessings

Today I am feeling bathed in blessings. Since I have been working with my recently remembered experience of childhood sexual abuse, I have received support from many people. My partner has been so there for me. He has held me when I cried, listened to my anger and let me know in so many ways that I am safe with him now. I finally get it that I am safe with him and my ambivalence about our relationship has been melting away. I don't think it was ever safe for me to be in a committed relationship before because of the wounding to my trust that happened from being violated sexually. I couldn't trust myself to be myself and to let myself be fully known. I have spent much of my life walking around feeling like there is something wrong with me, instead of being able to remember that something very wrong happened to me. I was sure if I let myself be fully known that my fatal flaw would be discovered and I would be abandoned. So,in my mind, I have always kept one foot out the door in all of my relationships. I am sad that I couldn't have remembered this many years ago. I think my life would have been really different. I also know that I remembered when I was ready to remember. Healing from being molested as a child is possible now because of the amazing support system that surrounds me. Some have done healing sessions with me, all of them have listened to me. Each time I share the details with someone I have chosen to share it with I experience being validated from the outside which allows me to grow stronger on the inside. It does bring up a lot of emotion to share what I have remembered. Sometimes I can feel myself shrinking back and feeling guilty for laying this burden on the people I love. Not letting other people know I need support is part of what I thought I had to do to survive. The people I feel the closest to are the ones who share the most openly with me. I have learned through sharing my memories that it is now safe to be emotionally vulnerable in a deeper way. Noone has shunned me or abandoned me because of what happened to me. I know it is difficult and upsetting for the people I love to hear me because they love me and wish it didn't happen. I have felt nothing but encouragement and support for my healing process. I grew up thinking I was too much and I had to dilute myself to be loved. Although I have strong feelings, they are not too much for the people who love me now. I am not too much. I am learning that it is OK to be me and to let myself be loved.
I went to see my therapist yesterday. She is getting ready to leave her practice in a few weeks. That is hard for me. She has a great deal of experience helping people heal from sexual abuse and it is a great loss to me that she is leaving now.
As I described what I have remembered and we worked through it she validated that from what she heard and saw, she was sure it had really happened. That was very helpful in that there was still a part of me that didn't want to believe it really happened. Today I am clear that this memory has surfaced because it is time for it to surface. I have the resources both inside me and outside in my life to use what happened to grow into more of myself. I have the chance to open to all of who I am and to love myself for all of it. That is truely a gift and for that gift I am grateful. I know that everytime I get a flashback or a wave of grief or anger or fear arises, if I am willing to be present with myself and to feel the feeling fully it will release, leaving more space for me to breathe and to be. This spaciousness is what makes fully committing to this healing process worthwhile. I appreciate all of you for listening. I appreciate your comments and your presence. I hope this is inspiring all of us to be with what we are afraid of in ourselves and to open to greater self-acceptance. Thank you.