healing

I have been wondering whether to write about what I've recently discovered. Somehow it seemed too heavy to write about in my blog. I feel shame about what happened to me even though I know in my head it wasn't my fault. I am writing this to heal and grow and to let others know that sexual abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. That little girl that I was did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with her.
In a PSYCh-K session I remembered an experience of childhood sexual abuse. At first I wanted to deny that it really happened and yet my body knew otherwise. As I let in the reality of being violated, it made so many things make sense. I have often wondered why I am such a passionate woman and yet at the same time I have been so ambivalent about sex. I have wondered why it has been so difficult for me to stay in a long-term committed relationship. I always knew something had happened to me. I had previously remembered energetic sexual abuse when, as a child, I felt uncomfortable sexual energy coming my way. It was a relief to have this memory surface in such a visceral way. I was eight when the abuse happened. I don't remember it feeling traumatic at the time. I do remember a sense of discomfort and unease that it didn't feel right. At the time I buried the memory of it. Now it is part of my life and I have begun the work of integrating by getting help in going back to the experience.I am feeling strong feelings of sadness and anger and fear. I am so sorry this happened to me and yet I am willing to use this to know myself in a deeper way. I let the little girl inside me know that I am here for her and that I will protect her now. I have taken her out of the situation and brought her home with me. I have asked my spiritual support to be with her when I am busy with other things. I check in with that little eight year old every morning to let her know she is safe and cared for. I feel a deeper sense of love for her. I am writing in my journal and talking to friends and have more scheduled counseling sessions. What I hope is that I can use the awareness and acceptance of this experience to have more access to the creativity, spontaneity and passion for life that that little girl has. I hope I can grow as a woman from showing up more fully for that little girl. I hope that opening more to all of what she experienced and I am now experiencing will enable me to have a richer fuller life. I believe that the more we accept what we find unacceptable the more space there is to be conscious of the sense of connection and wonder that waits us underneath our resistance to what is. Accepting what is allows us to experience all there is. The gift of this experience is that it will empower me to know that what I want is OK and that doing what feels right to me, even if it is unpopular, is my path to freedom.