Monnya

Tonight I got to hang out with my daughter Monnya. It is such a deep pleasure to share time with her. She and Isaac are getting married in August. It is so fun to begin to plan. She was willing to try on my wedding dress that I wore when I married her father 25 years ago. I had a fantasy about her wearing it at her wedding. She is such a good kid and was very gracious about it. It looked awful on her and it's hard for me to believe I even wore it. It was fun, though. The thing about being with Monya is I don't care what we do. It is just fun to be with her. I feel so blessed to have a daughter who is such a vibrant, creative and loving person. She decided not to go to college and has created many jobs that would usually require her to have gone to college. Her latest is artist in residence in two Bergen Park elementary schools. I am excited for her. She is such a good teacher. When she teaches her students get that she cares about them as people and supports them in being all they can be. Her enthusiasm and warmth are great motivators. She teaches gymnastics and aerial dance to kids and adults. I'm not sure where this is going. This blog may be an opportunity for me to brag about my kid. I hope that is OK. I am wildly enthusiastic about my daughter and what she's doing with her life. She takes risks on a level that I only dream of. It has been a great joy to support her in being as out there as she is. She has always believed in herself and pushed beyond her fear to learn new things. Her latest is learning Portuguese. Monnya decided it was a beautiful language and she wanted to learn how to speak it. She bought the rosetta stone course and is studying it while running on the mini trampoline.
She has always been an inspiration to me.It is hard for me to be a beginner. It scares me to feel out of control and inadequate. Sometimes I am willing to and Monnya has always been my cheerleader. When I was thinking about doing my yoga teacher's training course she said, "Go for it and don't worry about your age. You are not old." It really helped. I love that she calls me and makes dates to spend time with me. I am beginning to relax into our adult friendship and to trust that in addition to loving me, she likes me. I sure like her.
Last summer she set a boundary and told me she didn't want to hear me obsess about my relationship. Since then our relationship has grown much closer. I am sad that she had to set the boundary instead of my realizing I was being inappropropriate. I have mostly stopped pressuring her to talk about her feelings, too. The less I pressure the more she does. Although I must confess that I tried to get her to do PSYCH-K in the restaurant tonight. She looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, "Couldn't we just go home? I really don't want to be doing therapy in a Chinese restaurant." I wonder if it would've worked better in a Mexican restaurant? Seriously, I realized I just got carried away and apologized. Sometimes I imagine it must be very challenging to have me for a Mom. Sometimes it is probably quite wonderful. Whatever else either one of us messed up with as parents she was always held in love and acceptance for who she is by both me and her father. I am very glad we were able to give her that sanctuary. She has taken it and run with it. She literally flies. It helps me to remember that I can now provide that sanctuary of love and acceptance for my own inner child. I have had lots of practice with Monnya. Andie, my inner little girl can benefit from what I have learned from parenting Monnya. I want to practice feeling the level of love I feel for Monnya and then beaming it on Andie. Would you be willing to beam your love into your heart to the little child inside of you? Take a few full deep breaths and imagine her or him in your heart. Let your self feel gratitutude for that little person for getting through what he or she had to to survive and help you to arrive at who you are today. Let that gratitude morph into feeling love for that little person for all of the courage vitality and depth he or she had. Feel that love filling him or her and filling you. It's it's hard for you to do, imagine an unconditionally loving earthmother being holding the child in love as you observe. Feel what happens in your own heart as you watch her being held in love. Breathe that love into your own heart and send it out into your whole body.
In my book: Eating My Way to Freedom; A Food Addict's Spiritual Journey, I quoted Eda LeShane, " All the little girl inside me wanted was love. I gave her food instead." What have you given your little person inside instead of love? Would you be willing to be mindful of that and give her or him love? It's what he or she deeply deserves and always has.