Centering in Sedona

Hi everyone. I'm back. I had a wonderful vacation in Sedona. The weather was quite cool yet the sky was sunny and clear the entire time. The place we were staying had free daily yoga classes. It was such a pleasure to be a student of yoga in such a concentrated way and to come away feeling as if I had learned so much to share with my yoga students. Then to top off the classes there was a steam and a hot tub. Steam rooms are my idea of bliss. I love wet heat. It seems to melt away the tension in my body.
After my mornings of self-care Gary and I hiked the trails through the gorgeous red rocks every afternoon. We would rest and meditate on the rocks enjoying the warm sun.
We were finally able to sleep together. That has been a major issue for me for the almost four years we've been together. I have needed to sleep in separate beds or not sleep at all. We've worked it out to sleep separately and it has seemed very sad. Before falling asleep and first thing in the morning can be such a sweet time to share. It seems as if the ego can be quieter at the times surrounding the relaxing of the mind and body into sleep.
Gary has a time share and that is how we got to go to this place. When we realized we would have only one bed we decided to go anyway. We knew there would be a couch too. Something about the beauty of the place and how relaxed I felt with Gary helped me to trust that I could sleep. I slept a little better each night. Gary wore snore strips and that really helped. So did sleeping in a king sized bed. At night I often breathe through my mouth, snort and wake myself up and this time I wore snore strips too. If they didn't make me look like Miss Piggy I would wear one all of the time. It made it so much easier to breathe through my nose. It's funny how easy it is to take things like breathing well and sleeping for granted until they are an issue. This feels like a big hurdle for me to cross over. One more obstacle removed to being willing to be in a committed relationship with Gary. I am amazed at the depth and power of my resistance. I am grateful to him for staying with me through all of it. I am so scared of letting go of my independance and surrendering to sharing my life with a man even one that I love as much as I love Gary. My ego tells me horrible stories about how awful he is and I believe the stories. On this trip I realized the stories are about making him wrong so I can confirm my belief that there is something wrong with me for being with him. What would my life be like if I could let go of believing there is something wrong with me? It has been at the core of my identity for my entire life.
It mostly manifests in my ambivalence about primary relationships. On this trip I practiced being aware of obsessing about Gary either positively or negatively. I worked with myself to bring my attention back to myself.
I would say to myself, " It's not about him." and return to my circle. I could see how focusing on him keeps me from being present. With practice I was content and satisfied much more consistently. I appreciate being with a man who understands my process and genuinely wants to support me in my growth. I am committed to practicing returning to my own center when I am using obsessing about Gary to wander off. It is my intention to challenge the belief that there is something wrong with me and to enjoy my wonderful life more fully.
How do you wander off from your center? What do you use to avoid being present? Would you be willing to notice one strategy to keep yourself from being present? Once you have recognized it see if it would be helpful to committ to bringing yourself back when you become aware of using it.
It is very good to be writing again. Thanks for listening. Love to all of you, Andrea