mountains

I am very frustrated. I wrote a whole blog about being up in the mountains this weekend and I can't get it to edit. When I try to rewrite it erases the next word. I have been messing with it for a while and I am letting go because the definition of insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results.
So, I will write again. I wrote about being up in Gold Hill for the weekend at Gary's house. Even though I grumble about the hour and a half drive, once I get there I slow down and really enjoy myself. Hiking is one of my favorite things to do and there is great hiking near the end of Gary's driveway. On Sunday we went hiking near Jamestown at a beautiful place where the trail winds through a forest beside a river. Being near moving water and being in a forest is bliss. We have figured out how to both get our needs met hiking. Gary likes to go slower and hang out and look at things. Plus his knee has been bothering him. I like to go fast and expend a lot of energy and then I can slow down and relax. So, we hiked together for a while and then Gary stopped and sat on a rock and I went ahead by myself. It felt so good to push my body and in a short while I was ready to turn around to go back and meet him on the rock. This is after three years of trying to hike together and both being frustrated about our differing paces. It is so easy for both of us to try and please the other by not being ourselves. Where did all of us get the idea that not being ourselves would be pleasing? All it does is create lots of resentment and lack of safety. We have noticed that the more honest clear and direct we are with each other about what we want and need, the more chance there is that we will actually get along well and feel close to each other. All of the pretending is so exhausting. It seems to me that the more I can tell him my truth, even if it isn't pretty, the more openhearted I feel.
Being myself and being heard for that, I feel safe. We are practicing. It is a challenge to push through all of the conditioning.
When I returned to the rock we were both relaxed and loving. After doing what each of us wanted to do, it was easy to be together. We sat on the rock for a long time with a small still pool underneath us. We watched two fish resting under the water. I was aware of how much more comfortable I am with fish watching than I am with fish catching. Hanging out
being quiet
unaware of each other
yet together.
There was an aspen tree growing right up in the middle of a spruce tree on the opposite bank of the river. They looked like a couple who were very different and who were able to hold each other in love. When we left the rock we were very slowed down and each of us felt like we were in an altered state. The shades of green looked incredibly vivid. I felt like I was in Emerald City. I remembered when I decided to stop smoking pot before I got pregnant with my daughter. What I wanted was to learn to get as high on air. Being present is that high. That natural high is better than any drug. The mountains make being present so much more available. They are just waiting for us to leave the city and give ourselves a break. When could you avail yourself of them?