So this time I don't even care if this is black or purple or green. This is my creative outlet and I feel such a strong need to express myself creatively that I don't care what it looks like. Sometimes it is OK to just be myself warts and all no matter what I imagine people will think of me. Imagine should be in bold and if my computer did bold it would be. So much of what I think other people are thinking is a story I made up about what other people are thinking. So much of what I think other people are thinking about me is what I am thinking about myself that I am projecting on to other people. When I can recognize this and acknowledge myself for noticing I can take back the projection and own it. I can imagine that you are thinking that anyone else would have been able to figure out how to get this blog to work like it used to. I can recognize the projection and take it back owning that thinking I am incompentent because I don't know what I don't know is my story and not yours. Then I can bring compassion to myself for my story and get underneath it to what I am feeling and show up for myself with loving awareness.
I see the little girl inside me who thinks if she only does enough she will prove that there is nothing wrong with her. If she only shows up for enough other people and is authentic enough and helps them enough she will feel she is worthwhile. If only I could make my parents be happy I would feel very special. I would also feel safe.
I love that little girl inside me so much. I love Andie for how hard she tried to prove she was lovable. I know she is lovable and always was regardless of what she did or didn't do, regardless of how fat she was, regardless of who was or wasn't happy around her. I am even lovable and worthwhile whether or not I express myself creatively and whether I write this blog or not. What I do or don't do doesn't determine my worth as a person. I love myself for who I am. I even love myself for not being loving with myself. I even love myself for thinking you need to think I am a really good writer to be OK. What if it was OK to love myself for all of who I am even the parts I find repugnant? Actually, I find the part that thinks parts of me are repugnant, repugnant. Ohhhh, I notice you master disser, passer on of repugnancy judgements and I see you.. I see you and I hold you in acceptance for who you are. I love the part of me that needs to be writing this and the part of me that is judging myself for not going to sleep because I am too exhausted to write well enough to even do this. I love that I used the word I about a gazillion times and I love the part of me that judges me for that. And I love all of you for reading this and appreciating me for who I am. I love that I wrote this and I am going to publish it and that I feel so much better than when I started writing. Thank you for listening and may you allow yourself to express yourself in whatever way lets you be in touch with your own precious aliveness. Or not.