Friday, August 12, 2011

what is is

Today I thought I would be in a workshop. I had planned to sign up for weeks. Something held me back everytime I went on-line to register. By the time I got around to registering yesterday the workshop was full. In the brochure it said "register early this workshop will fill up." I chose to think that was an advertising ploy. I was angry with myself for procrastinating and being naive about expecting the workshop to be available to me. I considered going to the workshop this morning and seeing if I could get in. I kept hearing my inner voice say, "Go to the workshop." That was confusing. Then I realized that I had set aside this whole day to attend this workshop and that was the only way I would allow myself a day with no plans. So now I have this whole delicious day to do what I want to do. What a luxury.
This blog is still not allowing me to write in color or make it bold or in italics. I asked for help from blogger and someone offered a suggestion which isn't working either. I notice the temptation to feel like a failure and use this experience to prove my core belief that there is something wrong with me. Woo hoo I noticed. What a gift to notice that I can use anything that happens to me to prove there is something wrong with me. I can be unkind and bully myself or I can notice that I want to be unkind and bully myself and celebrate my noticing. I want to say" You are sooo stupid anyone else could figure this out!" I feel the neural brain rut calling to me to complete one more circle continuing on automatic pilot doing what I've always done. Yet the witness is there now. She gently smiles and says, "Aw that must be so painful. " She gathers me up in her arms and holds me close. She tells me she loves me and that she understands that I am sad and angry and hurt and that it all makes sense to her. She lets me know that it is OK that I don't know how to do something and that doesn't mean I am stupid or there is something wrong with me. I go to pick my nails and realize I am doing it. I know this is what I do when I feel anxious. I can love myself for my anxiety. I was scared for a reason. I can bring compassion for myself when I start to pick my nails. That is the witness. She stands silently by noticing what is. She is there to observe what I am doing and support me in being all that I am. I am grateful to her. I am grateful to have her. I am grateful to be her. Whenever I can bring awareness to what I am doing that is the witness. She doesn't care if my blog is black or purple. She doesn't think that my worth as a person depends on the color of my blog. She notices what is and smiles kindly. The inner critic and the witness dance together with the witness noticing the inner critic and gently smiling. The witness doesn't need to judge the inner critic, feel threateded by it or make me wrong for it being there. She just notices and smiles kindly. She is the part of me that can love myself for hating myself. I have been able to be more compassionate with myself for hating myself. "Aw that must be so painful to believe there is something wrong with you." I can feel my own love for myself and for Andie, the little girl inside me. I am healing myself with my own love. I am so grateful. Right now Andie wants to go for a bikeride and I want to go meditate and do yoga. I am done writing for now. See if you can notice the witness gently smiling and saying yes, "I see you, what is, is."



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