Sunday, August 7, 2011

Applause

I am on Gary's computer and the settings are working. I still haven't figured out how to get them to work on mine. I am happy to be able to write in blue. Colored words seem so much more joyful. I just returned from a weekend vipassana retreat with Peter Williams called contacting joy. It was a very powerful retreat experience. I am so blessed to be able to go on retreat for a whole weekend. I had misgivings about spending the whole weekend at a retreat because summer seems to be moving so quickly. I am glad I pushed through my ambivalence which was at least partly fear. I appreciate that Gary and I attended this retreat together. Our spiritual connection is the strongest value for both of us. It helps to counteract the areas where our relationship is not as strong.
Saturday was about looking at what we need to let go of that is in the way of happiness. We worked a lot with judging mind. I am always amazed that sitting for a long period of time makes such a big difference in the quality of my life. I had the opportunity to sit with some very strong emotions this weekend. I learned that I could. Peter gave us several practices which are similar to my work with myself and others and that was very validating. He spoke of the importance of awareness and compassion in working with our thoughts. One practice he presented was to celebrate bringing ourselves back when our mind wanders off. He stressed the importance of sitting with whatever comes up and going beneath the story to the body sensation.
Today was about focusing on the good. He shared about John Gottman's research that for couples it takes five positive comments to counteract a negative one. He shared about counting blessings and said that he and his wife do a nightly practice of counting their blessings with each other before bed.
He had us focus on someone we care about experiencing happiness and tune into them and say," May you always be happy, May your happiness continue to increase, I'm glad you are happy." I sat with this form of well-wishing with my daughter seeing her performing on aerial fabric being in her joy. By sending these messages of sympathic joy I could feel joy about her joy. It was uplifting for me. I also felt like I was supporting her in her goal to perform more. One of the most powerful practices of the weekend were one sitting meditation and one walking meditation focusing sympathetic joy on ourselves. We focused on a time we felt really happy and peaceful and said to ourselves," May I always be happy. May my happiness continue to increase, I'm glad you are happy" The goal of this practice is to become more open-hearted toward ourselves rather than to actually always be happy. Suffering can be a very positive growth inducer. Peter asked us how many of us came to meditation practice just because things were going so well and we wanted to check it out. Only one person raised his hand. The rest of us began meditation practice because of the intensity of our suffering in order to create change and growth. When I began practicing meditation regularly I was in the height of my compulsive eating disorder and was so anxious I could barely sit still. It's hard to imagine that I actually could even practice. I knew it was a last resort and I am grateful that I listened to my screaming soul. Meditation practice is a time to come to ourselves with an intention of connecting to the wellspring of love that is underneath all of our suffering. We can use the vehicle of our suffering to be with ourselves and bring love to ourselves in the midst of the suffering. When we can bring awareness and loving kindness to ourselves in the midst of our suffering something shifts. Even loving ourselves for hating ourselves is more loving than hating ourselves for hating ourselves. IThe retreat has helped me feel more access to the part of me that wants to focus on what I am grateful for. What I appreciate about my life seems clearer and stronger. I appreciate all of you who read this blog and who support me in my process with your attention. Thank you. What are three things you appreciate about your life? Would you be willing to give yourself a round of applause simply for being you. Hear my hands clapping for all of us as you clap yours.
Love,
Andrea

No comments: