Mastery

Happy 2011. In light of all of our intentions for the new year, I thought it might be helpful to you if I shared this way of looking at the process of change I have learned.
It's called Mastery and has four steps. Since my intention is be kinder to my hands and stop picking my nails this year I will apply my intention to this process. I hope it will make it clearer with my example and I hope to learn something to support my intention.
The first step in making a change is unconsciously incompetent. That is when I am picking my nails on automatic pilot, oblivious to my behavior.
Next is consciously incompetent. That requires effort and can be very challenging. It is when I know I am picking my nails and I am still doing it. I know I have the intention of letting go of this habit and I get to watch myself still doing it. The key here is conscious kindness rather than judgement. That looks like, "Oh, Andrea you must need attention right now" when I notice myself picking my nails, rather than " Oh God you are such a loser. Can't you do anything but pick your nails?"
The third step is consciously competent. That is when I make a plan and begin to mindfully carry it out. My plan is every time I notice myself picking my nails I will stop doing it for the moment, say woo hoo to myself for noticing, take a deep breath and bring my attention to what I am feeling. What I've noticed so far is that I am usually feeling worry about something specific or the free floating generalized kind of anxiey that I often experience. When either of these feelings have arisen in the past I have knee-jerked to picking my nails. I just noticed I was rubbing my finger across my thumbnail my nails in mid sentence writing this. I stopped woo hooed myself for noticing and tok a deep breath. I was aware that I was feeling some doubt about what to say next and wondering whether what I said was good enough. I breathed into my fear and soothed myself that I couldn't do it wrong. My writing doesn't have to be the epitome of brilliance and it's Ok not to know what to say next or how to say it. I am realizing as I work on conscious competence that I pick my nails in empty spaces rather than experiencing the emptiness that comes in pauses between things to do. It is such a strong habit. It is painful to see how much it is my default activity. I know that my plan is to give myself positive attention when I am in need of attention and that feels good.
It is hard for me to accept that picking my nails as much as I do is OK. Even when I pause at the end of a sentence one finger starts to rub another. It is easier to think that an evil demon is making me do it than it is to take responsibility for showing up for myself often enough to bring consciousness to this behavior pattern. It is a challenge to sit with the fear underneath it without judging myself. Judging myself for picking my nails is two steps away from showing up for myself with whatever it is I am feeling. Compassion allows me to bring loving attention to my fear.
I am in the ninth week of my third round of the presence process. Every time I do the process it is as if I have never done it before because I learn so much. This week's presence activating statement is, I love myself unconditionally. Michael Brown's definition of unconditional love is to show up for yourself with whatever you are feeling and allow yourself to have the experience you are having no matter what it is. I am practicing loving myself unconditionaly when I notice I am picking my nails, by allowing myself to move my attention away from the behavior to the feelings I am having underneath.
The forth step in the process of mastery is called unconscious competence. That is when the new behavior no longer requires effort. It has been incorporated into the natural flow of life. I think unconscious competence is a gradual process. What I think it will look like for me is that gradually it will become easier and easier to notice when I am picking my nails and to be kind to myself about doing it. Slowly I will notice I am picking my nails less and less and being kinder to my hands more and more. I will become more comfortable with being present with my fear more often. As I experience and release the fear more and more space will be created to be present with whatever is happening in the moment. This increased present moment awareness will bring an increased richness to my life. I imagine it will be easier to be playful and to have fun and that I will have less resistence to challenging experiences. After all, pain is part of life and suffering is resisting that pain. I so appreciate my hands for being the vehicle for me to begin to look at my fear in a deeper way. Now it is time to put lotion on my hands and take them to bed. Thanks for listening. I hope it was useful to you. How might you apply this process of mastery to what you want for yourself in 2011?