I walked down the street

Tonight I am thinking about Portia Newlson's poem which I wrote about before.
Autobiography in Five Chapters

Chapter one
I walk down the streeet and I fall in a hole.
It takes me a long time to get out. It's not my fault.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street and I fall in a hole.
It takes me a long time to get out. I know it's my fault.

Chapter Three
I walk down the street and I fall in a hole.
It's my fault and I get right out.

Chapter Four
I walk down the street.
I see a hole and I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.


I love this poem. It reminds me that change takes time. Part of the process of change is really getting that something isn't working even as we do it over and over. The important step is realizing our responsibility for our choices and knowing we are capable of making different ones.
I am reminded of this poem tonight as I think about my experiences with EBay and buying apparel. I love bargains. I am also very particular about how things fit me and what I like and don't like. Buying clothes on E bay looks like a bargain because the prices are potentially much lower.

Chapter One
Buying a vest on e-bay knowing inside that the color won't work and not listening. It's not my fault I didn't listen. I thought it might work.

Chapter Two
The vest arrives. I try to convince myself it'll work. I realize in addition to the color I don't like, it is dirty. It is my fault. I ask if I can wash it and return it if it doesn't get clean. I get the OK.

Chapter Three
I wash it and it doesn't get clean.
I ask to send it back.
I mail it back vowing not to buy anymore clothes on E-bay


Chapter Four
I go back on e-bay and look at vests.
I don't buy anything.

Chapter Five
I spend the evening writing my blog



What I learned: If I want something it is OK. It is also OK to spend the time and the money on myself finding something I like. Buying clothes on e-bay only looks like a bargain for me. It has been no bargain for me nor for the merchants I have dealt with. I appreciate their patience. We have all been respectful and clear about what was needed. It is also OK to be with the compulsion to shop and be curious about what I really want and what I am feeling underneath the desire. Expressing myself creatively seems to be a way to address the need to eat or shop. Being with the experience of the emptiness and breathing into it is another way.The emptiness comes from deep fear and I can once again soothe the little girl inside me by letting her know it is Ok to be afraid and that I am here for her. Woo hoo to me for having this process. Woo hoo to you for reading this blog and seeing how this poem might apply to your process.