shoes

What if the journey to enlightenment is about accepting more and more of what is? What if learning to hang out with the experiences we are having with less and less resistance is what growth looks like? What if recognizing our resistance and accepting ourselves with it is part of that growth? Sometimes I resist the very things that would make me feel the best and indulge in the things that are guaranteed to make me feel worse. When I am feeling ungrounded because I need to meditate I sometimes go shopping on e-bay. I convince myself that getting a real deal on a pair of shoes would be a good idea. I can spend hours looking at shoes even though I know that even in a real store it is hard for me to find shoes that fit. As I am looking at the shoes I tell myself ,"This is fun!" This is in an attempt to justify my compulsion and forget about what it will feel like the next day when I have stayed up too late looking at shoes on e-bay. Last week I bid on a pair of shoes because they were red and I convinced myself they would surely fit me. They arrived yesterday and of course they surely don't. Now I have to return them. I hate going to the post office. I guess this is a growth opportunity to get over my post office aversion. Progress is that I am accepting what is enough to write about this. What would it be like to sit with my desire to shop and be with myself? I imagine I would feel the emptiness. Since I have been living in two different houses the only store I have been in is a grocery store. No, that's not true Gary and I went to REI two weeks ago to buy a tent for his camping trip and for me to try on hiking shoes. None fit. I have been blessed with little square feet that look like big wide bars of soap. Accepting what is must include my feet and the many shoe dramas that have occured in my lifetime. I finally found running shoes that fit me several years ago and I bought three pairs. They are wearing out even though I rotate them. Now they are discontinued. Maybe what would be smart is to set aside my need for a bargain.
If I continue to hold onto getting a deal on top of my hard to fit feet I may soon be shoeless. Luckily I almost never dress up so I don't have a need for lots of shoes. How is my saga with shoes relevant to enlightenment? This is an area that I see as being definitely not spiritual. This empty woman with a compulsive need to shop doesn't fit with my image of myself or how I want to present myself to the world. And yet here I am, bunions and all. Can I accept this part of myself and be kind to her? Can I show up for her and let her feel her emptiness? Can I bring myself my own attention even if after I am compassionate with myself I still want to log on to the computeer and puruse scores of pairs of ugg boots I will never buy? Can I forgive myself for believing that buying something will make me happy? Can I be understanding that the road to enlightenment may include many trips to the postoffice? At least I get to buy stamps.
What about you? What is your challenge about what you find unacceptable in yourself? What would the road to embracing what is look like for you?